Delayed Reaction
I've been delaying posting. Too busy being busy. Filling my life with nonissues and nonsense. It's like a nervous habit, only i'm not nervous. I'm avoiding the issue. It's like eating and overeating. Who doesn't love food? It's very filling but not fulfilling.
But onto to the topic. I'm ovulating. I notice these things. I notice when there's a slight flutter in my abdomen. Oooh, i've never felt that before. Maybe, maybe, maybe, we did it this time. I notice when my breasts are more sensitive. Ooooh, they're really sensitive this month. This could be it! I notice when my appetite changes. Ooooh, food cravings?! You know who gets those?! I notice if i get slighty sick. Ooooh, nausea! yay!!! I notice when my period is one minute late. Oooh, get the pregnancy test. (i've probably single-handedly kept that industry afloat.)
It's tricky with ovulation because i usually have to coordinate a rendezvous with dh so that it feels natural but falls PRECISELY within the 12 hour or 24 hour (or whatever-the-heck time frame the latest science news grants the life of an egg) window within which to optimize conception. And then you realize that maybe you were wrong and that you didn't ovulate yesterday, but that you're ovulating today! Ooooh, Dh, come on, hurry, there's still a chance!
And it's weird having sex without the potential for conception. I cried the first time. I used to pray that God would bless us with good children. Literally, silently, right before sex. Not that i'm one who believes that sex is only for conception. Far from it. But i was just too focused on conceiving to have sex for any other purpose, like sex. I sacrificed my own enjoyment. Everything got sacrificed at the alter of baby-making.
It's like, see God, how noble i am? I'm sacrificing my own pleasure. Who needs that, when i'm aiming for something far more honorable. Now, dont i deserve to be a member of that noble profession? Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!
But the thing is, i was never ignoble or unnoble to begin with. I never had to prove that or my worthiness. So why did i do that? Aye, i mentioned that everything got sacrificed at the aforementioned alter ... it apparently included my senses. Well, you become so focused on trying to have a baby that nothing else matters, until it gets to the point where you forget that there was ever anything else to matter.
And so now i'm ovulating. Did you know that you ovulate 14 days prior to your period? Unless of course, you're a man, then you wouldn't. But just so you know, it takes 72 hours to make sperm. Did you know that you can ovulate anywhere between the 10 and 16th day of your cycle? Did you know that some people say that on occasion a woman will ovulate twice--once midcycle and once depending on her moonphase? Did you know when you ovulate that the ovary has finally released the egg into your body, like popping a pimple. Did you know that the egg floats around in your body until it's picked up by follicles that sweep it into the fallopian tubes, where millions of sperm are supposed to meet and greet it. Did you know that if your temperature spikes, that you're ovulating? Did you know, that if your temperature remains high up until the day of your period that you're pregnant? Did you know it's really good to visualize conception? That's what they say. That's what i've been doing. That's what i must now stop doing.
Sometimes i wish i didnt know so much about it, that i wasn't so self-aware, that i didnt thoroughly study the matter. I've known women who were 9 months pregnant and not know that they will dialate to 10 centimeters. And they're going to be mothers? I think i took measurements as i left my mother's womb. I've known that forever.
And so, it saddens me to see the evidence of fertility, yet again, but all for naught. Impotent potential.
That life is over now.
I must rebuild my life with few barely cognizable pieces left in the wake of this awful truth. But how, when having children infiltrated every thought, every deed, every breath.
How do i breathe again?
Jude
But onto to the topic. I'm ovulating. I notice these things. I notice when there's a slight flutter in my abdomen. Oooh, i've never felt that before. Maybe, maybe, maybe, we did it this time. I notice when my breasts are more sensitive. Ooooh, they're really sensitive this month. This could be it! I notice when my appetite changes. Ooooh, food cravings?! You know who gets those?! I notice if i get slighty sick. Ooooh, nausea! yay!!! I notice when my period is one minute late. Oooh, get the pregnancy test. (i've probably single-handedly kept that industry afloat.)
It's tricky with ovulation because i usually have to coordinate a rendezvous with dh so that it feels natural but falls PRECISELY within the 12 hour or 24 hour (or whatever-the-heck time frame the latest science news grants the life of an egg) window within which to optimize conception. And then you realize that maybe you were wrong and that you didn't ovulate yesterday, but that you're ovulating today! Ooooh, Dh, come on, hurry, there's still a chance!
And it's weird having sex without the potential for conception. I cried the first time. I used to pray that God would bless us with good children. Literally, silently, right before sex. Not that i'm one who believes that sex is only for conception. Far from it. But i was just too focused on conceiving to have sex for any other purpose, like sex. I sacrificed my own enjoyment. Everything got sacrificed at the alter of baby-making.
It's like, see God, how noble i am? I'm sacrificing my own pleasure. Who needs that, when i'm aiming for something far more honorable. Now, dont i deserve to be a member of that noble profession? Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!
But the thing is, i was never ignoble or unnoble to begin with. I never had to prove that or my worthiness. So why did i do that? Aye, i mentioned that everything got sacrificed at the aforementioned alter ... it apparently included my senses. Well, you become so focused on trying to have a baby that nothing else matters, until it gets to the point where you forget that there was ever anything else to matter.
And so now i'm ovulating. Did you know that you ovulate 14 days prior to your period? Unless of course, you're a man, then you wouldn't. But just so you know, it takes 72 hours to make sperm. Did you know that you can ovulate anywhere between the 10 and 16th day of your cycle? Did you know that some people say that on occasion a woman will ovulate twice--once midcycle and once depending on her moonphase? Did you know when you ovulate that the ovary has finally released the egg into your body, like popping a pimple. Did you know that the egg floats around in your body until it's picked up by follicles that sweep it into the fallopian tubes, where millions of sperm are supposed to meet and greet it. Did you know that if your temperature spikes, that you're ovulating? Did you know, that if your temperature remains high up until the day of your period that you're pregnant? Did you know it's really good to visualize conception? That's what they say. That's what i've been doing. That's what i must now stop doing.
Sometimes i wish i didnt know so much about it, that i wasn't so self-aware, that i didnt thoroughly study the matter. I've known women who were 9 months pregnant and not know that they will dialate to 10 centimeters. And they're going to be mothers? I think i took measurements as i left my mother's womb. I've known that forever.
And so, it saddens me to see the evidence of fertility, yet again, but all for naught. Impotent potential.
That life is over now.
I must rebuild my life with few barely cognizable pieces left in the wake of this awful truth. But how, when having children infiltrated every thought, every deed, every breath.
How do i breathe again?
Jude
posted by Fertile Soul at
11:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home