Heavy heart and heavy breasts
I woke up this morning with heavy breasts and bloating. And my first thought was, of course, maybe this is it. Maybe i'm pregnant. I think it without thinking. It's automatic. I have to relearn how to think. I can't have automatic useless thoughts. Well, i guess i can and probably do, but not regularly useless, harmful ones. I draw the line there.
Ok, but the thing is, for a split second i thought, really thought, maybe the doctors were wrong. How could i possibly be this bloated, especially in my breasts. This doesn't usually happen to me. Maybe, really, this is it.
But then, i remembered that i did not coordinate a rendezvous with dh during the great fertility window. And then i got mad. Mad at dh. Why didn't we coordinate things a little better? I could be pregnant if he just stepped up a bit, if we actually had sex during ovulation.
I felt so frustrated.
But frustrated for what? For the missed opportunity to get pregnant? The fact that dh didn't jump on the opportunity during ovulation (all puns intended)? But there's no hope of fertilization or impregnantion. So, what difference would it make if he did? And, why should he bother?
See, it's so difficult to accept that i will never get pregnant, although i'm talking about it and writing about it. I still have some automatic hopeful thoughts that despite all the evidence, there will be a different outcome. Sometimes i think that, well, maybe the doctor was wrong. What if he was? That would certainly explain the heavy breasts, wouldn't it? Why else would i have them? Bloated, you say, from eating salty food last night? No, that's not the answer i'm looking for. I need something a little more fantastic please. Only fantasies for me. No realities. Reality sucks. Fantasies make babies. Beautiful ones too.
I'm so sleepy tonight. I just thought i'd mention that i got mad at dh for missing the window of opportunity to impregnate me, even though there's no chance.. It's kinda funny. I'd laugh if it i didnt find it sad. Despite the impossiblity of it all, i find that i still want to try.
And that hurts.
It's like playing the lottery when there is no pot.
Jude
Ok, but the thing is, for a split second i thought, really thought, maybe the doctors were wrong. How could i possibly be this bloated, especially in my breasts. This doesn't usually happen to me. Maybe, really, this is it.
But then, i remembered that i did not coordinate a rendezvous with dh during the great fertility window. And then i got mad. Mad at dh. Why didn't we coordinate things a little better? I could be pregnant if he just stepped up a bit, if we actually had sex during ovulation.
I felt so frustrated.
But frustrated for what? For the missed opportunity to get pregnant? The fact that dh didn't jump on the opportunity during ovulation (all puns intended)? But there's no hope of fertilization or impregnantion. So, what difference would it make if he did? And, why should he bother?
See, it's so difficult to accept that i will never get pregnant, although i'm talking about it and writing about it. I still have some automatic hopeful thoughts that despite all the evidence, there will be a different outcome. Sometimes i think that, well, maybe the doctor was wrong. What if he was? That would certainly explain the heavy breasts, wouldn't it? Why else would i have them? Bloated, you say, from eating salty food last night? No, that's not the answer i'm looking for. I need something a little more fantastic please. Only fantasies for me. No realities. Reality sucks. Fantasies make babies. Beautiful ones too.
I'm so sleepy tonight. I just thought i'd mention that i got mad at dh for missing the window of opportunity to impregnate me, even though there's no chance.. It's kinda funny. I'd laugh if it i didnt find it sad. Despite the impossiblity of it all, i find that i still want to try.
And that hurts.
It's like playing the lottery when there is no pot.
Jude
posted by Fertile Soul at
10:04 PM
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