An atom's weight of hope

I was having a really good day today. I felt up and energetic, interested in my work. A co-worker left me some cookies on my chair to cheer me up. It did.

But then i made the mistake of complimenting another co-worker on the drawing of m & m's he had on his wall. It was clearly the work of a child, but very nice, sweet. I only said it as i walked by his office. BIG MISTAKE. He followed me to tell me ALL ABOUT IT. His daughter, you see, is gifted in the art department, he says. She gave that drawing to him for his birthday, along with candy. She thought about it in advance. Real smart that one. And she ... blah, blah, blah. Good Lord, i didnt want to know all that! I didn't want to be reminded that no one will care that much about my birthday or any other day, for that matter.

I made a quick escape back into the pile of work at my desk, only to find that i needed to ask another co-worker some questions. No kid doodles in his office. Only pictures of GRANDCHILDREN everywhere. Nice. God bless them. He seems to really enjoy his family.

Sigh.

So i finish my questions with him and finally get back to my office, where i get a phone call about a friend who just had a beautiful baby. God bless them. But that's what i wanted! No, no, not just wanted. That's what i thought i would get after all these years. You're not having kids now because God is saving the very best for last.

Sigh

So, yeah, i'm a little down today. Dont feel like doing anything. I was supposed to run to the store. Now i'd like to run to my bed and be swallowed by my covers. Is that ok? And i'm so full. I think i over ate, again.

Sigh.

ok, but really, i feel bad. I dont know why. No, i know why. I'm reminded daily of what people have and i dont. No, i'm reminded daily of what i want but can't have. It really is like being outside the candystore looking in.

But who said that it's never so good as when you're outside the candystore looking in? I heard someone say that at the Oscars once, but was he quoting someone?

Be that as it may, nice quote and all, i dont feel better! I feel awful and out of sorts. And on top of all that, a close friend tells me i should go for another opinion, maybe the doctors were wrong. HELLOOOOOO, is my friend in that brain that just expelled drivel? The last thing i need to hear is go get another opinion, as if we didnt. As if i'd want to have to deal with this reality. As if i'd suddenly announce to the world we're infertile because i didnt have the forethought to double check and recheck and get all the opinions necessary to deny the awful truth. The last thing i need to do right now is cling to an atom's weight of hope in her question. Because i would, i'd be on that atom like superglue.

It's not like it doesn't occur to me. I think maybe the tests were wrong, despite everything. I think maybe God's giving us a miracle today. I think maybe i'm going to be like those women you hear about ... infertile until they adopt. And then suddenly pregnant. And all this i think now, when there is no hope.

So please, don't chime in with stupidity, as if we suddenly lost our brains and need yours to think. God!

Jude