Hope is Gone, But I Still Believe

I no longer pine and hope for children. Pining is the worst. It's empty and frustrating and painful. So, thank God that self-beating is over. You think you're doing yourself a favor, fantasizing about what could be, buying cute baby things for the future, hoping you're pregnant this month, thinking about all the things you're going to do now, the real wonderful life you're going to start living. And at the end, you have nothing but emptiness, empty arms, empty womb, empty heart.

It's like eating. You think, when you start on that chocolate cake, that this is really going to be a satisfying experience. Ten minutes later, when you've finished off the cake (most likely to fill the vaccuous emptyness), you feel too fat, sleepy, and nauseous.

So, i no longer polish off cakes or anything else in sight. And i no longer pine for what cannot be.

I know what you're thinking. How can you say that! ... Easier said than done! ... You dont know what you're talking about. ... We're talking real PAIN here, nothing you can just stop "pining" for. True enough. It is really pain, the likes of which, when you're in it, you think there's never going to be an out or an end. An abysmal pain. There's never going to be relief, by definition of the situation. I want kids + I cant have them = permanent eternal heart stopping pain. Well, yes, that's true. But then you find that your heart keeps beating nonetheless. And if you allow yourself to feel the pain, the anger, and the anguish, you find that your heart keeps beating through it all. Until there's nothing left of the pain, anger, and anguish--nothing but your beating heart.