Do You Grieve?

A friend asked me this question the other day, "Do you grieve?"

Umm, well, you see, here's the thing, in the past, i dealt with all my grievances and losses by hoping for the best future.

Here's the thing about not having children ... it's been my grieving mechanism.

The way in which we naturally grieve is to cry. I once read a story about a man who couldn't shed a tear at his daughter's funeral or he'd lose his sight. His natural grieving mechanisms was taken away from him by some medical condition. And in an analogous situation, so have mine. I cannot grieve in the manner i've been accostumed to, with hope for a bright future with my children. That's the tragedy. The hope i would normally find in any disappointing situation is gone.

I dont know what to hope for anymore. I dont know what i want.

Jude