But I Don't Feel Like Leaving

I noticed something about myself during my short hiatus from work. I dont want to leave the house. I cant figure out why. I just want to stay home, despite a fervent wish to shop, a desperate taste for chocolate mousse cheesecake, or a need for basics like drinking water or tp.

I know i need whatever it is i'm forcing myself to leave for, but i really dont feel like leaving. I want to stay home where it's comfortable and cozy, quiet and nice. I dont feel like leaving out into the world. I dont feel like dressing and wearing something halfway presentable. I dont feel like washing my hair, let alone combing it. I dont feel like pressing pause on the 11th episode of Lost. And you know what, i really wasn't that thirsty. Hard water isn't so bad, if you try to think of something else while you're drinking it. And, do i really need another trip to Home Depot and Target? I dont need to hang curtains that badly. So what if the sun has faded my family room denim furniture?

I'm developing a fear of leaving the house. I'm also developing a fear of being in the house, someone breaking in. We got a new security system for that reason. Now i'm afraid that i'll forget to set it at night.

I'm really just afraid of another bad thing happening to me. I'm so shell-shocked and grief-stricken. I just dont want one more bad thing right now. Just no more changes, just until i stop crying or gasping.

Just until i catch my breath.

Jude





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