Visitors

My family and friends came to visit, and i feel better. We talked of a mutual acquaintance who never had a children. She's been married longer than i have, probably 20 years at this point. I found that she could never have kids because she was incapable. And i thought, wow, that's so incredibly difficult to face, she can never EVER have children, ever, completely forgetting that this is what's happening to me.

It's very strange. It's like it's not real--that it's more real when it happens to someone else, more devastating, more final. And you know why? Because there's still a small part of me that thinks it's possible. There's still a part of me that believes.

I see this woman, and i think, God, it's over for her, and that must be terrible. But, it's over for me too, except I still can't believe it. I dont want to believe it.

Jude