What is anger?

Dictionary.com says that anger is a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. I can understand displeasure well enough. What is hostility? Anger? Dictionary.com says that hostility means being hostile. Does that help? Okay, then it says that hostile means feeling or showing enmity or ill will.

I associate anger with hostility. I don't have any hostility towards any one, no ill will or hate. So, i think i do not ever have anger because having ill will towards people is a conscious negative use of one's energies. Actually, to me, it sounds utterly ridiculous. To pronounce someone worthy of your ill will or enmity is to pass judgment on that person, really. And who are we to judge. Right? This also makes me a great push over. But rather that than wrong someone with ill will.

But, if i were to define anger as having a strong feeling of displeasure, well, then, yes, i would say that i've had a few of those--in recent times, quite a few. I am displeased with the people around me who don’t take good care of me. Now, I know, that I have some blame in that and that it's ultimately my job to take care of myself. It's what i've done all my life. But there is some basic care that a person is entitled to in any relationship, by definition of the relationship. But, all I’ve done is blame myself for the lack of reciprocity, rather than deal with my emotions and disappointment. For the most part what I’ve done is bargain for a better future. I can deal with the sloppy care because I will be replenished in the perfect care of my children.

And I’m so disappointed. I’m so disappointed at the quality of care I get. And I’m so frustrated. And I’m so sad. And I’m so tried. It’s like the news of infertility brings up the reality that I have never received the care that I wanted or needed or was entitled to AND I’m not going to get it in the future—well, at least not in the way I thought or hoped, dreamt or wished for. I can believe that I might get it in a different way than I thought. But in the meantime, I’m really faced with the overwhelming displeasure over the way I’ve been poorly treated or cared for all my life. I am faced with the reality I could never face before—I was wronged.

I think when that has happened in the past, I would quickly sweep it under the rug, thinking that it’s ok because I had promised myself that everything will be right with children. I will be happy with my children.

And I feel bad that I was taken advantage of. I feel bad that I was abused in that way, walked all over, pushed around, uncared for like a used welcome mat. Welcome to Jude, please wipe your feet before you proceed on your journey.

I feel so disappointed in my friends and family, especially the ones that haven’t visited. My sister hasn’t come to visit at all. She calls once a week. Emails even less.

I feel angry at my father, from whom i am estranged only because i stopped running around trying to please him. We had no blow out, no fight, no words. I just lost interest in trying to garner his good favor, something that should not require a lifetime of attempts, but, rather, is my birthright.

The rosey colored glasses that used to show me the bright future have been ripped off. I am left now with the discomfort of the glaring reality.

Jude