Dreams Deferred

Yesterday was really tough. I felt really sad. Not simply about infertility. About lost hope. I used to be such a hopeful person. I had so much hope in the future. Just the concept of working towards a bright future would inspire me.

Now it seems like nothing i hoped for materialized. Well, not nothing. But a lot of my major goals seem unfulfilled. I feel so jaded. I see all these freshman starting college, full of hope and promise, and, i feel that they're just in for a rude awakening. After 4 years of college and 3 years of graduate school, they will be no closer to realizing any happiness than when the graduated from high school. It's just one huge delay process.

And i wish i had gone to a better school. I wanted to go to a better school. I loved school and studying and learning. I went to a small private college that focused on making teachers and nurses. It wasn't for the academic-minded. I wish i had gone to a better high school to begin with. I was so bored for 3 years. I graduated early, but i wish i had had the proper guidance to know to go to a good college.

Now i see people going to college, and i see the dream i had and never followed. But i consoled myself with the loss of that dream by replacing it with the promise of children. And now i feel the pain of the loss of children and the loss of all the dreams i made secondary to having children.