Crafting
This grief work is hard. I'm feeling better today, better enough to make a trip to Joann Fabrics and spend too much on craft projects. Did you know that scissors cost $15! And then i got me a staple gun. Wellllll, doesnt every household need one? That was another $15. Ok, i really got it because my cats have discovered the underside of my brand new couch, ripped open the seam, and have taken to napping in the belly of my couch (after scratching it up first). C'mon, now, i need a staple gun to fix that little problem now dont i?
Tomorrow, i'm taking the day off. In fact, i have the next three days off. I was feeling so much better today, i thought of canceling my r & r and going in instead. But, i decided in the end that, no, i should stick with my vacation. Today, all i managed to do was a load of laundry, a trip to joann fabrics, and 4 episodes of the first season of Lost. Actually, that gave me some ideas for vignettes that might prove plot worthy down the line.
But, aye, who can think of plots now? Right? It seems like 100 % escapism. I'm an expert at that. But fantasyland is what created this dilemma for me to begin with. I built a huge fantasy around what it meant to have children of my own. It was going to be the be-all and end-all of my life. That was it. I couldn't die until that happened. That was my ultimate mission, really--to be a good mother. I couldnt wait. I planned and prepared and studied and waited and tried and retried.
It's like i attached the importance of my existence to giving birth. And, on some level, i think,
Oh my God, i can never have children.
Jude
Tomorrow, i'm taking the day off. In fact, i have the next three days off. I was feeling so much better today, i thought of canceling my r & r and going in instead. But, i decided in the end that, no, i should stick with my vacation. Today, all i managed to do was a load of laundry, a trip to joann fabrics, and 4 episodes of the first season of Lost. Actually, that gave me some ideas for vignettes that might prove plot worthy down the line.
But, aye, who can think of plots now? Right? It seems like 100 % escapism. I'm an expert at that. But fantasyland is what created this dilemma for me to begin with. I built a huge fantasy around what it meant to have children of my own. It was going to be the be-all and end-all of my life. That was it. I couldn't die until that happened. That was my ultimate mission, really--to be a good mother. I couldnt wait. I planned and prepared and studied and waited and tried and retried.
It's like i attached the importance of my existence to giving birth. And, on some level, i think,
Oh my God, i can never have children.
Jude
posted by Fertile Soul at
6:04 PM
1 Comments:
Tracy,
Thank you for your kind words and suggestion. I think adoption is a commendable thing and i praise those who do it. But it was never part of my dream to adopt. I didnt think when i was younger, when i grow up, i want to adopt. This might have been a little short-sighted on my part as a child, but children can be that way. And that is the tragedy for me.
And once i've mourned that, i'll be more ready to consider my options, to see what's beyond my dreams, to even contemplate other ones. But i cant begin a new dream until i've laid this one to rest.
You're a dear heart. And just so you know, they say that fertility problems skip a generation ;)
Jude
By
Fertile Soul, at 7:15 PM
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