Silent Mode
I dont feel like talking much lately. I'm not upset or depressed. I'm just not in the mood to talk. It's like suddenly i have all these ideas swirling around in my head and i dont have time to slow down for conversation.
I saw a woman today pushing a double stroller--a common occurrence. But for me today, i saw that, and my heart didnt jump with hope. This is HUGE. I didnt have a "when-is-it-my-turn" moment. She was just another person--albeit, heavily encumbered with small attachments ;)
I dont mean to objectify children, but i am someone who has personalized them for way too long. It's finally about time i put a little distance between me and the hope of children (and all that meant to me, a lot of which was fantasy based than reality based). I really have thought, seriously, that children are SO MUCH FUN. And they have been, when i've encountered them or played with them or spoken to them. But i've never had to raise them, or watch over them 24/7, or even worry about them much. Some how, my mind stops thinking beyond the fantasy of fun and games and love.
But the reality is very different, as many mothers will attest. And it's unreasonable, really, to expect that my children were really going to fill this huge void in my life, a void that existed from when i was young. That's not their responsibility. If and when (see i still think it's possible) i have children, i need to be emotionally complete. I cant rely on them to fulfill me, anymore than i can or should rely on dh to fulfill me. That's a huge burden to place on someone else, let alone a child. And, its a certain formula for failure because you shift the onous of responsibility for your success and wellness beyond your reach, constantly waiting for someone else to do it for you.
And so i've learned that children do not equal happiness. Wahooo! This is a major internal realization. Though i've always known it, i've never been able to fully realize it, feel it, or own it.
But I own it now. And i feel relieved. RELIEVED!? Can you believe it? I feel relieved from waiting and wanting this specific form of happiness. It's like my life has been on hold for 15 years. Yes, i'm relieved. I dont have to wait anymore. And i dont have to live with constant frustration and disappointment, the monthly ups and downs. Relief. I can finally move on to affirmatively grasping what i want--the want that i assumed children would fulfill.
So what do i want? I still cant say specifically. It's not that easy. I used to say specifically children. But the real want is to be happy. Seriously happy. The kind of happy where you're excited to get out of bed in the morning. The kind of happy where people are excited when you walk in the room. The kind of happy i feel when i allow myself to devote endless gobs of time to craft projects. The kind of happy i feel when i'm being totally creative. There are sometimes when i'm so into what i'm doing, 18 hours can go by and i wont feel it or get up for a meal.
What i want is to be happy. But first, i must discover what that really means to me.
And that's not a tragedy, but a new seed of hope.
I saw a woman today pushing a double stroller--a common occurrence. But for me today, i saw that, and my heart didnt jump with hope. This is HUGE. I didnt have a "when-is-it-my-turn" moment. She was just another person--albeit, heavily encumbered with small attachments ;)
I dont mean to objectify children, but i am someone who has personalized them for way too long. It's finally about time i put a little distance between me and the hope of children (and all that meant to me, a lot of which was fantasy based than reality based). I really have thought, seriously, that children are SO MUCH FUN. And they have been, when i've encountered them or played with them or spoken to them. But i've never had to raise them, or watch over them 24/7, or even worry about them much. Some how, my mind stops thinking beyond the fantasy of fun and games and love.
But the reality is very different, as many mothers will attest. And it's unreasonable, really, to expect that my children were really going to fill this huge void in my life, a void that existed from when i was young. That's not their responsibility. If and when (see i still think it's possible) i have children, i need to be emotionally complete. I cant rely on them to fulfill me, anymore than i can or should rely on dh to fulfill me. That's a huge burden to place on someone else, let alone a child. And, its a certain formula for failure because you shift the onous of responsibility for your success and wellness beyond your reach, constantly waiting for someone else to do it for you.
And so i've learned that children do not equal happiness. Wahooo! This is a major internal realization. Though i've always known it, i've never been able to fully realize it, feel it, or own it.
But I own it now. And i feel relieved. RELIEVED!? Can you believe it? I feel relieved from waiting and wanting this specific form of happiness. It's like my life has been on hold for 15 years. Yes, i'm relieved. I dont have to wait anymore. And i dont have to live with constant frustration and disappointment, the monthly ups and downs. Relief. I can finally move on to affirmatively grasping what i want--the want that i assumed children would fulfill.
So what do i want? I still cant say specifically. It's not that easy. I used to say specifically children. But the real want is to be happy. Seriously happy. The kind of happy where you're excited to get out of bed in the morning. The kind of happy where people are excited when you walk in the room. The kind of happy i feel when i allow myself to devote endless gobs of time to craft projects. The kind of happy i feel when i'm being totally creative. There are sometimes when i'm so into what i'm doing, 18 hours can go by and i wont feel it or get up for a meal.
What i want is to be happy. But first, i must discover what that really means to me.
And that's not a tragedy, but a new seed of hope.
posted by Fertile Soul at
8:27 AM
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