The 40th Day!
Oh my God, it's the 40th day of mourning and i cant believe it. I've been delaying posting because i just cant believe how far i've come in 40 days. I never imagined, when i set out, that i could feel any better than when i started. Afterall, my life was over. The life that i always wanted, gone forever. Cant imagine getting over that, even as i write it now.
But, as i look back at where i was emotionally and where i am now, i cant help but notice that i dont feel as bad. Slowly, slowly, slowly, over all these days, i've been feeling incrementally better, not so much as you'd notice it one day, but enough to notice it after all this time has passed.
The first 10 days were God awful. Terrible, terrible. Shocking, mentally and physically. I cried and cried and cried. I couldnt believe it. And i didnt know how to be anymore. I wanted to feel better so badly. If i had any drugs at my disposal, i would have taken them. But i couldnt organize myself to actually go to the doctor. Enough with the doctors already.
The next 10 days were still God awful, with an occasional brief moment of feeling not so awful. It helped that i kept talking and writing about it. That helped so much. It helped that i had a couple of people keep asking about me, not just after the initial news, even though there were many many lonely times in between and i could have used more company so that my depression was not compounded by silence and loneliness. That was difficult.
The next 10 days were hard because i was physically exhausted. I wasnt getting enough sleep, i kept waking up at night. I felt anxious and worried and scared. I felt like i couldnt do anything because something could happen to me. I couldnt drive to home depot because i could die on the way. Lots of irrational fears through this time. It helped that i took time off and did nothing but rest and relax.
And the last 10 days were more of the prior 10 but i realized that they were nothing like the first 10. I started to make rest a priority because i realized that depression was made worse but fatigue and exhaustion. Taking care of my basic need for more rest and feeling more rested helped a lot. Rest is an amazing healing power. I usually feel guilty for napping or sleeping too much. So, slowing down and giving myself this time without the guilt took some effort. After work, i did nothing but lay in front of the tv, surf the net, and go to bed early.
And so now here i am. I cant believe this. A part of me feels like tomorrow i will slide back into that God awful phase of depression. I cant believe it was this "easy" but it wasnt. A part of me feels like i'm just on a long temporary break from depression. I cant really be feeling this "okay." That's why i've delayed this post.
And yet, here i am. When i set out on this journey, i promised to commit myself to mourning my loss for 40 days and nights, not to dwell on it, but to try to feel better without shoving the feelings under the carpet or ignoring the feelings with "positive thinking," which doesnt work. It's very hard to go from thinking about getting pregnant every second of every minute of everyday to never ever. So with this blog, i decided to put those thoughts down. That way, they will be out of my mind at least. I've acknowledged them and felt them and filed them. And that allowed me to face the sadness of the next day that arose from new realizations of what this loss meant to me, instead of dwelling on one single thing. I moved on to other things that hurt me about this loss, until eventually all the hurts were hung out to dry.
I have come to the end of my 40 days and nights of mourning, and i feel that though i've lost the key to my happiness, i've discovered the keymold. Now it's up to me to learn how to mold a new key. It's starting from square one, learning to live again.
And though the official 40 days of mourning is over, that does not preclude me from feeling sad on occassion, especially in the first year, as i learn to live with this newfound knowledge.
I will continue to post a few days a week because i'm not done talking about all the things i feel about this subject, nor all the things i've learned. Now begins the attempts to build a life in light of this loss. And i suspect that i still have old ways of thinking that no longer serve me, but would serve my children--like how i spend my holidays or who i befriend. (I need to find people who's main concerns are not babies or baby making. There's a topic for the future. )
So this is not the end ... just the end of the commitment to daily mourning progress reports. From now on it's just progress reports.
Jude
But, as i look back at where i was emotionally and where i am now, i cant help but notice that i dont feel as bad. Slowly, slowly, slowly, over all these days, i've been feeling incrementally better, not so much as you'd notice it one day, but enough to notice it after all this time has passed.
The first 10 days were God awful. Terrible, terrible. Shocking, mentally and physically. I cried and cried and cried. I couldnt believe it. And i didnt know how to be anymore. I wanted to feel better so badly. If i had any drugs at my disposal, i would have taken them. But i couldnt organize myself to actually go to the doctor. Enough with the doctors already.
The next 10 days were still God awful, with an occasional brief moment of feeling not so awful. It helped that i kept talking and writing about it. That helped so much. It helped that i had a couple of people keep asking about me, not just after the initial news, even though there were many many lonely times in between and i could have used more company so that my depression was not compounded by silence and loneliness. That was difficult.
The next 10 days were hard because i was physically exhausted. I wasnt getting enough sleep, i kept waking up at night. I felt anxious and worried and scared. I felt like i couldnt do anything because something could happen to me. I couldnt drive to home depot because i could die on the way. Lots of irrational fears through this time. It helped that i took time off and did nothing but rest and relax.
And the last 10 days were more of the prior 10 but i realized that they were nothing like the first 10. I started to make rest a priority because i realized that depression was made worse but fatigue and exhaustion. Taking care of my basic need for more rest and feeling more rested helped a lot. Rest is an amazing healing power. I usually feel guilty for napping or sleeping too much. So, slowing down and giving myself this time without the guilt took some effort. After work, i did nothing but lay in front of the tv, surf the net, and go to bed early.
And so now here i am. I cant believe this. A part of me feels like tomorrow i will slide back into that God awful phase of depression. I cant believe it was this "easy" but it wasnt. A part of me feels like i'm just on a long temporary break from depression. I cant really be feeling this "okay." That's why i've delayed this post.
And yet, here i am. When i set out on this journey, i promised to commit myself to mourning my loss for 40 days and nights, not to dwell on it, but to try to feel better without shoving the feelings under the carpet or ignoring the feelings with "positive thinking," which doesnt work. It's very hard to go from thinking about getting pregnant every second of every minute of everyday to never ever. So with this blog, i decided to put those thoughts down. That way, they will be out of my mind at least. I've acknowledged them and felt them and filed them. And that allowed me to face the sadness of the next day that arose from new realizations of what this loss meant to me, instead of dwelling on one single thing. I moved on to other things that hurt me about this loss, until eventually all the hurts were hung out to dry.
I have come to the end of my 40 days and nights of mourning, and i feel that though i've lost the key to my happiness, i've discovered the keymold. Now it's up to me to learn how to mold a new key. It's starting from square one, learning to live again.
And though the official 40 days of mourning is over, that does not preclude me from feeling sad on occassion, especially in the first year, as i learn to live with this newfound knowledge.
I will continue to post a few days a week because i'm not done talking about all the things i feel about this subject, nor all the things i've learned. Now begins the attempts to build a life in light of this loss. And i suspect that i still have old ways of thinking that no longer serve me, but would serve my children--like how i spend my holidays or who i befriend. (I need to find people who's main concerns are not babies or baby making. There's a topic for the future. )
So this is not the end ... just the end of the commitment to daily mourning progress reports. From now on it's just progress reports.
Jude
posted by Fertile Soul at
9:23 AM
2 Comments:
40 days. You write beautifully about this devastation.
I read all your entries. Thanks for sharing.
Peace to you.
By
Anonymous, at 6:10 PM
Thanks for sharing everything with us. I've gotten so much out of your posts - you've really woken me up to a lot of things in my life that I was blinded to. You've inspired me to focus more on being happy and being more accepting of this lot in life. And I so appreciate it!!
Many blessings to you, Chelsi
By
Chelsi, at 9:40 AM
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