40 Mournings and Nights

Thursday, February 09, 2006

My Overwhelmith Runith Over

After Friday’s meltdown, things finally get straightened out between all the offices and we were given a green light. Ahhh, thanks.

On Monday, I get a call from the doctor’s office, stating that on Friday afternoon(after the green light call to me) they were told that they have the referral, they have the precertification, now they need a predetermination. Ohhhh, that’s what you needed? What the F(&$*@(#&$()*@&% ????

So, I spent a couple of hours on the phone, being sent back and forth between Member Services and Precertification of my insurance company in the following manner:

Member Services: “you need to call Precertification for a predetermination at 1(800)F***OFF. It takes 7 to 10 business days for approval, so you might have to POSTPONE THE PROCEDURE.”

Precertification: “I’m sorry, but this is precertification, not predetermination, you need to call Member Services. Oh, and is this an infertility matter? Then you need to call the infertility program at 1(800)ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Infertility Program: “We need documents from your doctors for you to enroll in this program. But, I’ve pre-enrolled you. But this procedure you’re having done is not a part of the infertility program, but the general program under Member Services at 1(800)ba-bye.”

Did y’all get that?

Then, on Tuesday I get a call from the doctor’s office: “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I just found out that this procedure is not covered by your insurance program. You’re not covered for IVF at all. And this procedure is going to cost $22,000.”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!???????????????????

Drop phone to collect self off floor.

And you want to know what’s really weird … bizarre things like this happen to us EVERY single time we’ve tried to go forward with infertility treatment. I mean, how often does the doctor call up and say “we have to postpone your procedure because the doctor’s double booked?” And before this, the blood work we had done … the doctor’s office (a different one) screwed it up and we had to go back in for the same test. How odd? And we have a bazillion stories like this. Everything goes haywire when we try for this.

And then it makes me think, maybe this is a sign. Maybe we shouldn’t do this. What if something goes wrong? What if something happens and our lives are worse than what it is now, when it really isn’t bad??? I’ll regret that and I’ll regret that I pushed against these odds. What if I lose dh in the process of all this pushing? Huh? Nothing’s worth that.

In the end, I just said, screw that. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about these obstacles. I’m not going to overanalyze them or infer any cosmic sign in them. I’m not even going to think about the unpayable $22,000 and the fact that this isn’t even ivf or that we’re suddenly uninsured and uncovered.

So, we went forward. And yesterday, as I’m waiting for the procedure I find myself trying to distract myself with Oprah and The View—two exceedingly superficial shows. Perfect … except, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the superficiality when I was about to face our moment of truth. Instead, I thought about the moment of truth. This is it for us, and what do I want?

I’m afraid to say what I want. I’ve made so much progress with mourning and made peace with infertility. I don’t want something that might contradict that. And then I moved on and made peace with adoption. I don’t want to dishonor that by suddenly flinging myself at God’s door begging for this second chance.

And it’s not that I don’t want this second chance. I made peace with all the chances I’ve had and lost. I really wasn’t expecting another one. I was okay with my life, good with it. And now that I’m about to face the potential of another chance, I don’t want to seem ungrateful or insincere about the peace that I made.

But now that we do have this potential, this procedure, I need to know what I want. Not what I expect out of it, but what do I want, given that I could live without children or I could live with adopting children. So what do I want?

Well, since we are afterall going through with this costly procedure, what I want is for it to be successful. I want the outcome to be in our favor. I’ve already mourned permanent infertility once in my life. I don’t want to do it twice. Yes, I learned so so SO much during this mourning period, and I’ve gained so much. But it was a trying, hurtful time. Like a root canal, it’s not something I’d like to do over anytime soon.

And this is what I’m thinking as I’m waiting for said procedure. I’m thinking, what I really want is for it to be successful. But I’m afraid to admit this even to myself. Soon enough, I will know the outcome, there’s no need to confess my wants. I can just numb it out with Oprah and The View. And then I will know, and then I can react. But right now, I don’t need to ponder this painful question.

But I do … because this is the question I’ve always turned my back on. I’ve always just waited for the outcome to dictate my feelings. But this time I decided it was going to be different, even though I was very afraid to confess my feelings (like once you say it, the hands of fate will surely operate against you.) But I know that’s not true. It’s just my old fears talking. So I decided to step out of the shadows where my fears whispered and stand in the light of the truth that what I wanted was this procedure to be successful. I want this. I want this and I know that I really might not get it. I’ve already been denied completely and utterly once before. But that doesn’t matter now. The past doesn’t necessarily get repeated. I want this and the fear that I might not get it does not alter the truth, that this is what I want. And if I don’t get it, then I’ll deal with that when it’s a reality and not just a whispering fear.

I have never truly done that before. I’ve never declared my wants in the face of my fears. I want this and I don’t care what my fears have to say about it!

And in the end, the procedure was successful! Thank God!!! Cuz you know why? It’s exactly what I wanted!

It’s funny some times--so basic, it’s hidden in plain sight. You’ve got to want what you want. I cant wait for life to suddenly turn my way when I’m not even willing to say what I want (and be prepared to face the tragedy of not getting it).

I am so grateful for this journey. I never imagined that in the process of looking to have children, I’d find myself. In the process of searching for a fertile womb, I found something better … a fertile soul.

Now I am ready to be a mother … or not. But now I am ready.

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5 Comments:

  • I'm so glad to hear the procedure was a success! But, it almost seems secondary to the insight you gained about yourself and this whole process. It sounds like it was incredibly empowering. I hope good things continue to go your way.

    By Blogger Summer, at 2:28 PM  

  • Insurance in this country is unbelievable. I've lived here for going on 20 years and I still mourn for my Canadian setup. I'm glad to hear the procedure was successful and you are now on your way to nourishing your fertile soul, however that might happen.

    By Blogger Donna, at 3:20 PM  

  • I'm sorry you had so much hassle, but delighted the procedure was successful. What procedure was it and why will it make such a difference?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:38 PM  

  • Me too! I am thinking what procedure? Glad it went well anyhoo.

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 4:18 PM  

  • Ladies, i'd love to go into detail, but i'm trying to stay anonymous so that the people who do know me dont figure this out and have a clear picture into the inner workings of my mind, heart, soul, and life. Why it doesnt bother me that the anonymous world knows, i dont know. But, for now, i can write more freely knowing that no one knows who i am. And also, i'm not the only one going through this, and dh didnt exactly ask for his life and personal heartache to be made public via me. So i do it out of respect for him too. Afterall, i'm not the only one in this relationship, suffering from infertility, and if he chooses to handle his grief more privately, then i will honor that as he has honored my choice to grieve here.

    By Blogger Fertile Soul, at 10:03 AM  

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