40 Mournings and Nights

Friday, February 03, 2006

Procedure Overwhelm

I'm nervous. This procedure is coming up, and i feel all out of sorts. I dont know where to begin. I'm scared (surprise, surprise). I have no friends or family to talk to about this, mostly because they cant relate and usually end up saying something patronizing, which then makes me feel like it's better to have said nothing at all.

Which is where i'm at now. This is like a huge thing going on in our lives, and no one knows. And when it's over, no one will be around to support us in the aftermath.

I wish i could go to someone who'll tell me not to worry about it, that it's all going to work out, and give me a big hug, and then stuff me with brownies. No, i get to spend the whole morning fighting with the office manager at the doctor's office who doesn't know if they have the referral yet or if we need to postpone our procedure again. Dont they understand how we are already freaked out about this? Do they need to freak us out MORE??????

I cant help but feel really bad about this. I dont understand it, but i just know i feel really bad.

I'm scared, but it's so irrational, but i am. And, i dont know why.

Actually, i guess, i'm scared of the ultimate let down. I'm so "close" to getting the one thing i ever wanted and at the same time so "close" to being told that our hopes for biological children are truly over (again).

I guess i'm afraid of massive disappointment. I'm afraid of knowing the same stuff all over again, we're permanently infertile. Doing this procedure has given me a little hope about it. And here i am again alone with my fears.

I guess that's what bothers me most of all--that i'm alone with my fears. It's an old, old feeling, a recurrent childhood experience. No one around to make me feel safe, no one except my fantasies about future children who i promised would be safe and cared for better than i was.

But here's the thing. I have a choice. I can choose to stay stuck in the re-experience of my childhood fears (which is what life-altering fears remind me of and bring me back to, so that i'm reduced to a crying baby, still wanting, needing someone to realize that i'm scared and alone) ORRRRR i could choose to realize that i am a competent, capable adult now, and i can bring all the powers at my disposal to make me feel safe, as i would give to any child of mine. I am no longer that child, crying and quivering with fear (even though, days like this, it REALLY FEELS LIKE IT!), i am an adult loving and caring person. And if i would just open myself up to that, just release the idea that i will forever be that emotionally neglected child with no one to talk to in times of fear, and allow myself to come out of my corner and into my own light, i might not feel so bad. I might even feel better. Cuz you know why? I spent a life time waiting for the chance to love and care for a child, the way i had never been. So why not pour all that love and care onto my inner child?

Because my inner child is scared, if not scarred. All prior attempts to come out have ended in immediate retreats to the corner for massive wound lickings. So what's different about now?

Nothing. I cant promise that i wont get hurt. I can only promise that i will take great care of myself if i am. But there is the chance that i wont get hurt. That i will, instead, be healed. And i will never know that until i step out. The past does not equal the future. What happened in the past (over and over and over again!) will not necessarily happen the next time. It might be safer not to take any chances and stay hidden in my corner. But then, i will never fully be healed and that emotionally neglected child will cry on foreover.

How could i do that to myself? I wouldnt do it to a stranger on the street.

My inner child is crying, and i just know that she doesnt have to be scared anymore because I am here now.

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3 Comments:

  • Jude, this is a lovely post. Your vulnerability is wonderful, as is your insight, and strength.

    Much love and peace to you!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:05 PM  

  • I did a lot of inner child work in therapy, and I can say that now most of the time I know how to comfort and soothe her when she cries. But sometimes I yell at her and crush her little soul just like the old times. You are a capable and loving adult now, and you have a support system outside of yourself. It's OK to be scared.

    By Blogger Donna, at 2:08 PM  

  • this was a really beautiful post.

    i wish you much luck in your upcoming days--and if you want to talk adoption, email me. (I know you mentioned something about it on my blog, otherwise i wouldn't bring it up.)

    xoxoxo
    karen/naked ovary

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:19 PM  

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