Important Meeting
Tomorrow i have a very important meeting in Florida with Mickey, and i'm so excited!!! And nervous. I'm nervous about confessing to my excitement like i'll curse it if i own up to it--as if i have power over what happens anyway.
But there it is. I have a problem, as you might well imagine, with happiness and feeling excited, given that i've "seen" so little of it. Well, in all fairness, i dont necessarily believe that i've had little of it, it's just that i dont allow myself to feel it. Why? Well, my parents arent very excited people, and they dont appreciate seeing it in others. They have a knee-jerk reaction to kill happiness. And we've have many such episodes in our household, continuing until now. My parents just cant stand happiness. It's gotten to the point where i dont need them around to discourage it. No, i've mastered that trick all on my own now. I just carry their voice of disapproval around with me wherever i go.
So now, when it's time to feel a little excitement, i have my very own knee-jerk reaction to be cautious and wary. Shhhhh. Dont tell anyone. Wait until you come back, and then tell them all about it.
What a weirdo. I'm excited, People. SO excited. And again, i say it with trepidation like the hands of fate will frown down upon my utterance and snatch it away from me in retribution for mentioning the taboo feeling.
But no, the hands of fate do not, as a matter of course, snatch away happiness simply because someone dared to be happy. Only my parents do, and i need not impute any cosmic relevance to what my parents have trained me to believe.
But there it is. I have a problem, as you might well imagine, with happiness and feeling excited, given that i've "seen" so little of it. Well, in all fairness, i dont necessarily believe that i've had little of it, it's just that i dont allow myself to feel it. Why? Well, my parents arent very excited people, and they dont appreciate seeing it in others. They have a knee-jerk reaction to kill happiness. And we've have many such episodes in our household, continuing until now. My parents just cant stand happiness. It's gotten to the point where i dont need them around to discourage it. No, i've mastered that trick all on my own now. I just carry their voice of disapproval around with me wherever i go.
So now, when it's time to feel a little excitement, i have my very own knee-jerk reaction to be cautious and wary. Shhhhh. Dont tell anyone. Wait until you come back, and then tell them all about it.
What a weirdo. I'm excited, People. SO excited. And again, i say it with trepidation like the hands of fate will frown down upon my utterance and snatch it away from me in retribution for mentioning the taboo feeling.
But no, the hands of fate do not, as a matter of course, snatch away happiness simply because someone dared to be happy. Only my parents do, and i need not impute any cosmic relevance to what my parents have trained me to believe.
posted by Fertile Soul at
11:48 PM
2 Comments:
I hope you have a wonderful respite in Florida. I totally get the pessimism protection-mechanism - I do the same thing, too. Mine has spawned from 5 1/2 years of IF letdowns. I also feel like if I talk about something too much, then it won't happen, which I know is totally ridiculous, but I can't help it.
So, Jude, I definetly feel ya. But, I'm glad you can still get excited about things, what's life without something to look forward to? Enjoy your vacation and hope you have lots of sunshine here in my homestate :) Chelsi
By
Chelsi, at 12:29 PM
I, unfortunately, and despite my better judgment, believe in jinxing myself too. But I can tell you that it's not possible to jinx anything, that fears and hopes don't make things happen or prevent them from happening. So I'm excited for you!!!
xo
By
Anonymous, at 5:50 PM
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