New Hope
Well, there's been a new development in our household. After numerous tests and expert opinions regarding the state of our permanent infertility, there is now a smidgen of new hope based on the last test, the results of which have finally trickled in. Said test said nothing to alter the state of infertility, only gave us "hope" that a certain procedure might be worthwhile, the results of which will either confirm permanent infertility or give hope for a later IVF. However, we wont know until we have a procedure done to determine which prong on this fork is for us. Said procedure could not be scheduled until the end of January.
And i am teetering on the edge of renewed hope and complete loss (again). When i first found out a few weeks ago, i tried to bury it way back in the deep of my mind. Now it's slowly worming its way to the forefront and it's making me uncomfortable with new hope, hope i dont want to feel because of all the progress i've made with moving on, hope i cant help but feel because it's like a second skin--so natural and comfortable and comforting.
Here's where having a parent who cared might be useful. But dh cares, and he's amazing, God bless him, so i cant complain, right?
Anyway, to top things off, my imagination is running away with my mind, giving me lots of ideas about what those pains in my sides might mean, given that i'm a few days past ovulation and a few days before my period. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the procedure. The procedure has not been done yet. But now that i have hope back, it's like infusing everything that happens to my body. It's taking over. And it's so painful. I dont want to be thinking this. I dont want to put myself back on that terrible emotional rollercoaster. ....
THAT'S IT ... I just realized. I have to keep in mind that one of the side of the effects of hope is this nasty rollercoaster ride through psuedo-hell. And if i'm not paying attention to my internal dialogue, i'll be on this ride before i know it. And i HATE this. I hate it enough to stop the internal automatic dialogue before it gets me into deep emotional trouble.
Well, that's key. It might be a little late for this month, as i've mentally visited this topic quite a few times already.
I wish i had blogged about this sooner.
Keeping tabs on my internal dialogue is so harrrrrrrrrrrrrd!
I'm scared.
And i am teetering on the edge of renewed hope and complete loss (again). When i first found out a few weeks ago, i tried to bury it way back in the deep of my mind. Now it's slowly worming its way to the forefront and it's making me uncomfortable with new hope, hope i dont want to feel because of all the progress i've made with moving on, hope i cant help but feel because it's like a second skin--so natural and comfortable and comforting.
Here's where having a parent who cared might be useful. But dh cares, and he's amazing, God bless him, so i cant complain, right?
Anyway, to top things off, my imagination is running away with my mind, giving me lots of ideas about what those pains in my sides might mean, given that i'm a few days past ovulation and a few days before my period. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the procedure. The procedure has not been done yet. But now that i have hope back, it's like infusing everything that happens to my body. It's taking over. And it's so painful. I dont want to be thinking this. I dont want to put myself back on that terrible emotional rollercoaster. ....
THAT'S IT ... I just realized. I have to keep in mind that one of the side of the effects of hope is this nasty rollercoaster ride through psuedo-hell. And if i'm not paying attention to my internal dialogue, i'll be on this ride before i know it. And i HATE this. I hate it enough to stop the internal automatic dialogue before it gets me into deep emotional trouble.
Well, that's key. It might be a little late for this month, as i've mentally visited this topic quite a few times already.
I wish i had blogged about this sooner.
Keeping tabs on my internal dialogue is so harrrrrrrrrrrrrd!
I'm scared.
posted by Fertile Soul at
2:38 PM
2 Comments:
Even though I am still angry and depressed about my failure to have a child, at this point I can't imagine getting back on the roller-coaster. We could have done IVF, shit, we could STILL do IVF if we could scrape together the money and find a clinic to take us at our advanced ages, but we decided long ago we weren't willing to go that far. I hope whatever you have in store is a good thing.
By
Donna, at 3:30 PM
Donna,
I've never done ivf, (the why reasons changed over time). But i always thought that if all else failed, i would do it, as a last resort. But i never really thought it would get to that, not because i'm above a little assistance, but because i thought that there were other, less invasive methods of assistance that might work first.
In my heart, i've always been against doing ivf, not for any religious or moral or ethical reason. I just never felt comfortable with it. I still dont. But i dont know which is worse, the discomfort of going through ivf or the discomfort of not (and always wondering about it).
Right now, it's not an option yet. We wont know until the end of the month.
I wonder what i should do until then ...
By
Fertile Soul, at 10:53 PM
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