Adopting Happiness
This was a post I wrote on this day November 21, 2005, but i never posted. I'm posting it now to track the growth and changes i've made over time.
Jude 2/1/06
A friend of mine asked whether it's time i considered adoption. It's not. I feel like i just found out that we can't have kids. What, it's only been two months and a half, since Labor Day weekend at the beginning of September. I'm not over that. I'm over the initial shock, but not over everything it ever meant to me.
But more than that, there's a part of me that sees that i've linked a certain amount of happiness with getting pregnant and having a child of my own. And what is that but a fleeting moment in time? How is it any different from the person who links a certain amount of happiness with getting married and the wedding day (or night as the case may be ;). But what is that but a fleeting moment as well? You still want to make sure that marriage is the right thing for you or having a baby is the right thing for you, not just because you're attached to the idea of it or the happiness that "certainly" comes with it.
But is it really so? Are people who choose to marry certain to be happy? Are people who have children certain to be happy by that? I dont think so. I dont think those experiences provide any lasting happiness. Yes, those are happy experiences, but those experiences do not quench the deep abiding thirst for happiness in and of themselves.
I think that happiness is really internal. We romanticize it and externalize it, but that's superficial. What happens after the wedding? What happens after birth? Real life begins. And it's not like you fantasized. It's not the happiness you were certain of.
So, as you can see, i'm really not ready to adopt. I cant impose my expectations of happiness on someone else. I've never done it with dh, but probably only because i was waiting to do it with my kids. And i cant do that. For that reason it is fortuitous that i dont have kids at the mo. But nor can i ask anyone to be my kid until i've learned for myself how to satisfy my need for happiness. It maybe through kids, it may not. So far, i've only ever considered it a possibility through kids.
I think that's a huge burden for any child of mine to bear, biological or not.
I guess for me I need to find happiness regardless of whether I have kids in my life. I just cant see how they’re the only path. And I cant adopt kids with any expectation that they will fulfill me. When i married dh, i never settled back and thought, ok, now, it's time for you to fulfill me and make me happy. But with kids, i kind of do have that expectation. That's why this loss is so traumatic. They were supposed to be my happiness.
It's wrong to think that way. And i want to make sure i dont make the same mistake by transferring those expectations of my for biological children into my hopes for adoption.
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Jude 2/1/06
A friend of mine asked whether it's time i considered adoption. It's not. I feel like i just found out that we can't have kids. What, it's only been two months and a half, since Labor Day weekend at the beginning of September. I'm not over that. I'm over the initial shock, but not over everything it ever meant to me.
But more than that, there's a part of me that sees that i've linked a certain amount of happiness with getting pregnant and having a child of my own. And what is that but a fleeting moment in time? How is it any different from the person who links a certain amount of happiness with getting married and the wedding day (or night as the case may be ;). But what is that but a fleeting moment as well? You still want to make sure that marriage is the right thing for you or having a baby is the right thing for you, not just because you're attached to the idea of it or the happiness that "certainly" comes with it.
But is it really so? Are people who choose to marry certain to be happy? Are people who have children certain to be happy by that? I dont think so. I dont think those experiences provide any lasting happiness. Yes, those are happy experiences, but those experiences do not quench the deep abiding thirst for happiness in and of themselves.
I think that happiness is really internal. We romanticize it and externalize it, but that's superficial. What happens after the wedding? What happens after birth? Real life begins. And it's not like you fantasized. It's not the happiness you were certain of.
So, as you can see, i'm really not ready to adopt. I cant impose my expectations of happiness on someone else. I've never done it with dh, but probably only because i was waiting to do it with my kids. And i cant do that. For that reason it is fortuitous that i dont have kids at the mo. But nor can i ask anyone to be my kid until i've learned for myself how to satisfy my need for happiness. It maybe through kids, it may not. So far, i've only ever considered it a possibility through kids.
I think that's a huge burden for any child of mine to bear, biological or not.
I guess for me I need to find happiness regardless of whether I have kids in my life. I just cant see how they’re the only path. And I cant adopt kids with any expectation that they will fulfill me. When i married dh, i never settled back and thought, ok, now, it's time for you to fulfill me and make me happy. But with kids, i kind of do have that expectation. That's why this loss is so traumatic. They were supposed to be my happiness.
It's wrong to think that way. And i want to make sure i dont make the same mistake by transferring those expectations of my for biological children into my hopes for adoption.
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posted by Fertile Soul at
8:30 AM
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