Bad Feeling.
Yeah, so i'm depressed. Royally so. Havent been this depressed in a long while. Not since before the end of the mourning, and that was 5 weeks ago. So, the good news is, that on average, i've been depressed a whole lot less lately.
But i'm depressed today. And i find myself slipping back into old habits of thinking, like ... it's okay if my friends get pregnant, cuz one day it'll be my turn. You'll see. Everyone gets a turn. Soooo, no need to feel bad. My time is coming. And, it's gonna be awesome.
No, no, no. There will be no turn for me. Not in this lifetime.
And then it's like, ok, fine. But what is there in this lifetime? Huh???? A half finished novel???? Okay, it's almost finished, but still! Disappearing friends? Isolation? Loneliness? Frustration? Madness?
And then, here's the best part ... i had convulsions during my sleep Friday night. Yeah, that's right. Seizure. So, distressing news translates into seizures and/or mini-strokes.
That's just great. Dandy.
No, i'm not going to rush to the doctor like this is a big deal. First off, the test results from the mini-stroke would have shown something. And this quick fit of full body involuntary movement during my sleep came on the heels of a rather distressing day. I guess, the good news is that i'm physically sensitive to bad news. Awww, poor baby.
Give me a fricken break already.
Jude
But i'm depressed today. And i find myself slipping back into old habits of thinking, like ... it's okay if my friends get pregnant, cuz one day it'll be my turn. You'll see. Everyone gets a turn. Soooo, no need to feel bad. My time is coming. And, it's gonna be awesome.
No, no, no. There will be no turn for me. Not in this lifetime.
And then it's like, ok, fine. But what is there in this lifetime? Huh???? A half finished novel???? Okay, it's almost finished, but still! Disappearing friends? Isolation? Loneliness? Frustration? Madness?
And then, here's the best part ... i had convulsions during my sleep Friday night. Yeah, that's right. Seizure. So, distressing news translates into seizures and/or mini-strokes.
That's just great. Dandy.
No, i'm not going to rush to the doctor like this is a big deal. First off, the test results from the mini-stroke would have shown something. And this quick fit of full body involuntary movement during my sleep came on the heels of a rather distressing day. I guess, the good news is that i'm physically sensitive to bad news. Awww, poor baby.
Give me a fricken break already.
Jude
posted by Fertile Soul at
8:59 PM
4 Comments:
Jude I'm so sorry at what you're dealing with. I've read through the blog and don't really know what to say other than that I'm sorry. I don't know what the cause is of your infertility and you don't talk about adoption, have you decided against that?
Again, I'm sorry.
By
Anonymous, at 1:45 PM
Thalia, thank you for your kind comment.
I was about to post something about adoption. I have the post all written too. I just havent posted it. The short version is that I'm just not ready. And everytime i think about it, i dont feel any happier about my situation knowing that that's an option. Actually, it makes me sadder, makes the knowledge of my reality even more real, more piercing.
For now, i feel skewered enough by all this.
By
Fertile Soul, at 1:57 PM
I was wondering, too, the reason for your infertility. If it’s not something you want to blog about, ok, but is there someone you could talk to about it? After my miscarriage about 18 months ago, I went into a depression. After a few months, I thought I was better. But now I see that I was still depressed, just not as deeply depressed as those first few months. Mourning a loss is a long process, I think the pain of if lessens but the mourning stays with you for a long time.
By
Summer, at 4:31 PM
Summer,
As ideal as grieving in 40 days sounds, i dont expect to really be over this in 40 days because this is a 30 year dream with 15 years of trying. If it were easy to get over in 40 days, i would have tried it ages ago because after a while, you get really really heartsick from all the misfires and failures that a complete end to it sounds better than a continuation along the road of false hope.
The reason why i blog about it is to help me through this journey of grief. I talk to a lot of people about it. Most people just dont have a clue what to say to me. They cant relate, they dont know what's like.
I am in grief counseling, have been for a year. That has helped tremendously. I dont think i would have felt as well as i did by the 40th day had i not already had a year of grief counseling to stand on.
As to the cause of infertility, it doesnt make me feel better to talk about it. It's just a physiological impossibility. Aint got much more to say about it. It is what it is. Impossible.
By
Fertile Soul, at 11:58 AM
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