Sweet Pea
So, we get back from Disney World and dh says, hmmm, there were a lot of kids there. Really? Why is he noticing? And what was i thinking dragging him down there so i can remind him of what we dont have. Mind you, i didnt notice any kids. Hey, i was in DISNEY WORLD. No time for pity party when you're at the happiest place on earth.
Oh but then, a few days later, dh says, you know, i could consider adoption. Okay, now, he's said this before over the years, so it's not a shocker to me. But since i'm not open to it and nothing's going to happen unless i am and we're both 100% on this, then it just becomes an interesting little factoid of dh's. As in, hmmm, isnt that interesting for you but totally without relevance to me. (no, i didnt say that to him :)
But it strikes me as so odd that i'm so convicted about not adopting at this point in my life. Who's ever 100% sure about anything? And yet I feel rock solid about it, immovable, unbudgeable. It's not for me. I know FOR SURE. So, as i'm thinking this, i say to dh the next day, you know, i'm totally not interested in adoption. I mean, i'm just not interested. WHATSOEVER. Isnt that interesting? To which dh responds, ever so smoothly, I'm not necessarily interested but i would be open to it.
It surprises me that I can be so hardlined about it. But so it is and so i am. And I said so to dh. The only thing I’d be willing to do is revisit the topic in 5 years--not adopt in 5 years, but consider it again in 5 years. Who knows, maybe by then I might feel differently.
But as i'm talking to him, i'm petting Sweet Pea, my 7 month old kitten, and thinking, isnt it odd how i can adopt this kitty (who was abandoned and rescued from a garbage dumpster) and LOVE HER SO MUCH, like she were my daughter, and she's not the fruit of my loins or even from the same species? If only adopting a child were as easy as adopting a cats. ... There it is.
But I shrug it off as another one of those interesting odd factoids. And the next day it hits me, I mean really hits me. I could see myself adopting an orphan baby. Forget about all the intervening problems and issues, which are manifold (and scary). Putting those aside for one second (which has not been easy and has probably been the blocking force thus far), I could actually see myself adopting.
This is huge! OH MY GOD. And it scares me. Scares me so much I want to cry. Like, now that I’ve confessed to this, it wont happen. It’s impossible. Too many obstacles and problems. But that’s ok. I mean, yes, every road is full of obstacles, but that doesn’t mean I should negate the desire to begin with. That’s an awesome desire. And I respect it. Wahoo!
I've read so many blogs wherein people have considered and refused the adoption path and would think"right on" because the adoption path is scary, so SCARY. There are so many issues to factor in, domestic or international, international country a or international country b, child or baby, boy or girl, orphan or not? The uncertainty of all these questions, plus my own sad feelings about never getting pregnant, plus all the scary stories i've ever heard about adoptions gone wrong (birth parent comes back and fights for child, international child comes home with an unreported illness, etc.) have made me pull the automatic "no" trigger. No, not for me, no more scary, unhappiness stuff for me, ever again. As if i can stop that, anyway. Jeez.
So, here i am, happy to report that i can finally, finally, FINALLY see myself adopting and not be overwhelmed by the scariness of it all. Instead, i am happy about the potential of it.
I dont know what that means for us now. I just want to soak in this realization for a while, and not allow myself to get flustered by all the details of adoption. We are still scheduled for a procedure on February 8. But, i'm relieved to know that whatever happens on that day (either we will be welcomed onto the ivf bandwagon or banned from it), it'll be okay either way.
For now, I’m just so glad and relieved I can have this feeling, regardless of what happens. I’m so glad I understand myself.
Oh but then, a few days later, dh says, you know, i could consider adoption. Okay, now, he's said this before over the years, so it's not a shocker to me. But since i'm not open to it and nothing's going to happen unless i am and we're both 100% on this, then it just becomes an interesting little factoid of dh's. As in, hmmm, isnt that interesting for you but totally without relevance to me. (no, i didnt say that to him :)
But it strikes me as so odd that i'm so convicted about not adopting at this point in my life. Who's ever 100% sure about anything? And yet I feel rock solid about it, immovable, unbudgeable. It's not for me. I know FOR SURE. So, as i'm thinking this, i say to dh the next day, you know, i'm totally not interested in adoption. I mean, i'm just not interested. WHATSOEVER. Isnt that interesting? To which dh responds, ever so smoothly, I'm not necessarily interested but i would be open to it.
It surprises me that I can be so hardlined about it. But so it is and so i am. And I said so to dh. The only thing I’d be willing to do is revisit the topic in 5 years--not adopt in 5 years, but consider it again in 5 years. Who knows, maybe by then I might feel differently.
But as i'm talking to him, i'm petting Sweet Pea, my 7 month old kitten, and thinking, isnt it odd how i can adopt this kitty (who was abandoned and rescued from a garbage dumpster) and LOVE HER SO MUCH, like she were my daughter, and she's not the fruit of my loins or even from the same species? If only adopting a child were as easy as adopting a cats. ... There it is.
But I shrug it off as another one of those interesting odd factoids. And the next day it hits me, I mean really hits me. I could see myself adopting an orphan baby. Forget about all the intervening problems and issues, which are manifold (and scary). Putting those aside for one second (which has not been easy and has probably been the blocking force thus far), I could actually see myself adopting.
This is huge! OH MY GOD. And it scares me. Scares me so much I want to cry. Like, now that I’ve confessed to this, it wont happen. It’s impossible. Too many obstacles and problems. But that’s ok. I mean, yes, every road is full of obstacles, but that doesn’t mean I should negate the desire to begin with. That’s an awesome desire. And I respect it. Wahoo!
I've read so many blogs wherein people have considered and refused the adoption path and would think"right on" because the adoption path is scary, so SCARY. There are so many issues to factor in, domestic or international, international country a or international country b, child or baby, boy or girl, orphan or not? The uncertainty of all these questions, plus my own sad feelings about never getting pregnant, plus all the scary stories i've ever heard about adoptions gone wrong (birth parent comes back and fights for child, international child comes home with an unreported illness, etc.) have made me pull the automatic "no" trigger. No, not for me, no more scary, unhappiness stuff for me, ever again. As if i can stop that, anyway. Jeez.
So, here i am, happy to report that i can finally, finally, FINALLY see myself adopting and not be overwhelmed by the scariness of it all. Instead, i am happy about the potential of it.
I dont know what that means for us now. I just want to soak in this realization for a while, and not allow myself to get flustered by all the details of adoption. We are still scheduled for a procedure on February 8. But, i'm relieved to know that whatever happens on that day (either we will be welcomed onto the ivf bandwagon or banned from it), it'll be okay either way.
For now, I’m just so glad and relieved I can have this feeling, regardless of what happens. I’m so glad I understand myself.
posted by Fertile Soul at
9:06 AM
5 Comments:
Congratulations on your realization.
Scary? Yes but totally do-able.
By
Anonymous, at 3:25 PM
And this is why changing your mind is totally acceptable. My wise husband tells me we can only make a decision based on how we feel at the time, and that could change at any time. So go with your heart and keep us posted.
By
Donna, at 3:48 PM
Very interesting, and cool, Jude. I can understand how you feel, and how different scenarios feel different. Funny, my husband and I had the same convo about adoption/pets--he asked me about my attachment to Buck, and how I feel different about him than other dogs--I agreed--and he said "Well, you didn't give birth to him, and you still feel he is YOURS, unlike other dogs." My husband has a dog, and while he's "mine" now, he's not MINE, the way Buck is. My reply to him is that I'm unable to have puppies, so there's nothing to compare it to. But I think it might be similar to your revelation...
By
Anonymous, at 5:24 PM
Wow, you so eerily summed up my own feelings about adoption. I feel so conflicted about it and feel kinda bad that we're not pursuing it, like we're bad people if we don't want to open our hearts and home to every needy child in the world (we've adopted many cats...why not kids?). Even worse, friends and family are puzzled that we don't "just" adopt and anonymous visitors to my blog tell me that if I don't want to adopt then I should rethink why I want kids.
I'm glad about your realization. It could be a good thing.
By
Lori, at 6:27 PM
It's really important to be self-aware on this stuff. I know that I am very much NOT ready for adoption, but that I want to be a parent soooo much that I may become ready as and when i'm ready to give up on IVF. Which is not yet.
By
Anonymous, at 9:53 AM
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