New Hope

Well, there's been a new development in our household. After numerous tests and expert opinions regarding the state of our permanent infertility, there is now a smidgen of new hope based on the last test, the results of which have finally trickled in. Said test said nothing to alter the state of infertility, only gave us "hope" that a certain procedure might be worthwhile, the results of which will either confirm permanent infertility or give hope for a later IVF. However, we wont know until we have a procedure done to determine which prong on this fork is for us. Said procedure could not be scheduled until the end of January.

And i am teetering on the edge of renewed hope and complete loss (again). When i first found out a few weeks ago, i tried to bury it way back in the deep of my mind. Now it's slowly worming its way to the forefront and it's making me uncomfortable with new hope, hope i dont want to feel because of all the progress i've made with moving on, hope i cant help but feel because it's like a second skin--so natural and comfortable and comforting.

Here's where having a parent who cared might be useful. But dh cares, and he's amazing, God bless him, so i cant complain, right?

Anyway, to top things off, my imagination is running away with my mind, giving me lots of ideas about what those pains in my sides might mean, given that i'm a few days past ovulation and a few days before my period. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the procedure. The procedure has not been done yet. But now that i have hope back, it's like infusing everything that happens to my body. It's taking over. And it's so painful. I dont want to be thinking this. I dont want to put myself back on that terrible emotional rollercoaster. ....

THAT'S IT ... I just realized. I have to keep in mind that one of the side of the effects of hope is this nasty rollercoaster ride through psuedo-hell. And if i'm not paying attention to my internal dialogue, i'll be on this ride before i know it. And i HATE this. I hate it enough to stop the internal automatic dialogue before it gets me into deep emotional trouble.

Well, that's key. It might be a little late for this month, as i've mentally visited this topic quite a few times already.

I wish i had blogged about this sooner.

Keeping tabs on my internal dialogue is so harrrrrrrrrrrrrd!

I'm scared.

Restlessness

Hello there internet world. It's been sometime since i've visited. I dont know why that is. I've been busy with work. No, really, i have. Shocking, but true. Well, when you stop being all consumed by one single thought, you realize, slowly, ever so slowly, that there are other interests that may capture your attention--for a few seconds.

Today i'm feeling out of sorts. I dont know why. This is why i dont visit here as often. I dont know what to say. I'm a little out of it. Is it the holiday schedule? Getting back to work after a huge long weekend is so SO difficult. I dont know why. Last night i had a huge whopping nightmare. Havent had one of those in ages. I was royally freaked out. What is my subconscious telling me? I dont know. But i was scared to death.

Yippee. Oh joy for me. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

I'm just feeling ho hum, today being the worst of it. This weekend was a little ho hum. I woke up Sunday morning just wanting to go back to bed. So i lazed about the bed. It wasnt a "I'm too-depressed-to-get-up-kind-of-sleep." I was just tired. Yesterday, i worked on my novel, and i'm tired of that. My characters are currently acting without any guidance or goals, and i'm mad about that. I'm tired of trying to fix their goals. Why cant they just be aimless people?

So now what? I'm at work today, but i'm tired ... restless night and all.

Well, i guess that's what i feel. I feel, now what? I've explored a lot of other interests, and i still find myself facing moments of uncomfortable restlessness.

What do you do when you feel this way? None of my usual interests are appealing to me. Well, it's not that they're not appealing to me, it's like, i've already done them. It's like playing the same game over and over again. I've played that game, and it was alright. I kind of want to play a different game now, but a little more engrossing/interesting/stimulating.

I signed up for yoga. Today's my intro class. Never done it before. I'm cancelling. I'm way too behind at work. I've rescheduled for next wednesday.

I'm learning piano. That's interesting. Very. But i'm teaching myself, and it's been slow going.

I'm feeling restless and there's no magic pill to make it go away. It is what it is.

That's all. I guess it's back to work for me.

Jude

The Thing About Monday

is that Sunday nights can screw them up. Yesterday night i just could not sleep. I went to bed at 10 pm, and I couldn't fall asleep. It was terrible. I almost had a panic attack. It was one of those nights where i was becoming conscious of my breathing and that maybe, just maybe, i'm not getting enough air through this involuntary respiratory thing. Noooo, maybe i should think about it and try to consciously control my breathing. Yeah, thaaaaat'll fix it.

And you'd think that something had happened to screw up my nightly schedule. Nothing. In fact, i hadnt slept well the whole weekend. So sunday, i deliberately tried to take it real easy. I was supposed to go into work to get some more work done, but i decided to rest on this so called day of rest. Right? Not. I mean, i did do nothing. I read a little fiction, prayed some, played with my kitties, practiced a little piano, wrote in my novel, chatted with dh. See, nothing really. I dont know why i couldnt sleep.

To add to my unrest, this morning, after a long mile walk in freezing weather to get to work from the train station, i get on the elevator with two, not one, but TWO pregnant women!!! And they were like pregnant twins. They looked equally pregnant. Great.

So then we all pressed our floor buttons and waited to go up the elevator but nothing happened. The elevator cart just did not move. So the two pregnant women said to each other "oh, this must be the one that isn't working." And they leave and take everyone else in the elevator with them. And i just thought, Noooo, they're wrong. There's nothing wrong with this elevator. So i stayed in it and others who were waiting outside got in it, not knowing that "this is the elevator that's not working." Then the elevators closed and miraculously started to go up. I have no idea why i thought the preggers were wrong, but i just felt that i had no reason to believe their sudden exclamation that this elevator wasn't working, just because it took a second for it to lift up.

Oh well. Hi ho, hi ... yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jude