A Sufi Prayer

Stand, breathe out.
Wave the world behind you.
Clasp your hands, one over the other.
Silent,
Whisper.
Bow before God--
Remember.

Stand,
Spine straight,
Be grateful.

Humble yourself,
All the way,
Forehead to ground,
And say,

God is perfect.
God is great.
God is glorious.

Sit up,
breathe,
and try again.

Then sit. Be still. Quiet.

There is no God, but God.
There is no God, but God.
There is no God, but God.

Breathe in.

Peace.

Jude

Today's Emotional Temperature: Slightly Normal, Scattered Clouds

I'm feeling better today, and i'm kind of excited by that. Yesterday i was a leaky faucet at my desk, praying that no one would walk in on me. It was a really low day. I decided to call in sick today, and i feel so much better. I'm so much better that i got to sleep in and not worry about getting up to catch a train.

I'm still not in the mood for all my normal activities, like writing, but i've learned a few new ones, liking picking a fight with my family. I realized that there's somthing to arguing with your family and letting them have it. Suddenly, I feel so much better.

Yesterday, i finally let my sister know that i'm disappointed that she hasn't come visit me since my mini-stroke and the news of infertility, 4 weeks ago. She says she's been trying, but her husband couldn't get away. Um, did ya tell him what happened to me? He's not a heartless guy, sometimes i think he has more heart than her. Anyway, be that as it may, she calls once or twice a week and emails even less, because, she says, her husband is always on the net. Hmmm, what, should i have sympathy for you instead now? Poor sister, can't come over and comfort me. Should i send you care package?

So irritating. But here's the best part. After our spat last night, guess who calls me today wanting to "straighten things out?" My mother. Yes, it seems, "a little bird" told her i took the day off, and my mom decided that she was going to come over right after to work to talk me and give the other side of the story--the other side of my sister's story. Um, why does she know that? Why does she care? Why is she on my sister's side, when she doesnt even know mine! This is so ridiculous. Look, my sister hasn't come to visit me at all since i've been sick and i found out my tragic news. I'm entitled to be mad. Period. There is no other side to the story.

I told my mom that i had plans for today. Well, it's true! I didnt call in sick for no reason, i really need some R & R. Not, instead, to defend myself to my own mother. God. That really irks. Anyway, so i told her i'm going to the movies to night. She said, ok, she'll come over an hour before the movie starts.

D'oh!

And i was feeling so much better today. Really, i was.

An Orphan Whose Parents Are Still Alive

Would you believe that my father has not called me since all of this first happened 4 weeks ago? I just can't believe it. I can't believe it. And i'm so hurt and i'm so mad. I feel like calling him and yelling at him. It's like he has a heart of stone.

This is the stupidest thing i've ever seen. My parents are alive, but i'm an orphan.

Jude

Frustration All Around the Nation

I'm so frustrated today. Nothing seems to be working out. I just want things to work out for once. I want to be able to have my needs fulfilled easily, on occasion at least. I'm just so mad this morning.

My new goal at least is to try to get more sleep. I'm not resting well at night, getting up too often. I went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 6:30 am. And, i was still tired, could have slept another 3 hours. Then I slept on the train.

My bedroom is a laundry catastrophe. Clean clothes that need to be folded and put away, stuff that needs to go downstairs and be cleaned, stuff that needs to go to the dry cleaners. And i dont feel like doing any of it. I wish i could get help, but no one could figure out that mess but me. Could i hire a mind reader?

Have i mentioned that i'm frustrated? Yeah, well, i dont feel like dealing with another crappy day.

Dreams Deferred

Yesterday was really tough. I felt really sad. Not simply about infertility. About lost hope. I used to be such a hopeful person. I had so much hope in the future. Just the concept of working towards a bright future would inspire me.

Now it seems like nothing i hoped for materialized. Well, not nothing. But a lot of my major goals seem unfulfilled. I feel so jaded. I see all these freshman starting college, full of hope and promise, and, i feel that they're just in for a rude awakening. After 4 years of college and 3 years of graduate school, they will be no closer to realizing any happiness than when the graduated from high school. It's just one huge delay process.

And i wish i had gone to a better school. I wanted to go to a better school. I loved school and studying and learning. I went to a small private college that focused on making teachers and nurses. It wasn't for the academic-minded. I wish i had gone to a better high school to begin with. I was so bored for 3 years. I graduated early, but i wish i had had the proper guidance to know to go to a good college.

Now i see people going to college, and i see the dream i had and never followed. But i consoled myself with the loss of that dream by replacing it with the promise of children. And now i feel the pain of the loss of children and the loss of all the dreams i made secondary to having children.

It's Monday ... La-dee-FRICKEN-da!

Gewd morning, world. It's monday, and i already missed my train, which made me late for work, I came in past 10 a.m. Ick. What a way to start your day, your week.

And then, i forgot to bring a book for the train ride, the HOUR AND A HALF TRAIN RIDE to work. BOOOOOOOORING! And, i showed up 40 minutes early for that lovely hour and a half ride.

So what's a girl to do with so much time? Stew about her circumstances, of course. Brilliant. Let's sit and think about how there's nothing to look forward to in the day. Nothing, nada, zip. Not shopping. Not eating. Not work. Not writing. Not crafts. Not cooking. Not baking. Not sex. Not nothing. It's so God-awful.

Ok, so we've established that i'm a little bored. Is this another funk? Oh no. And i left my passion flower at home. But it's not as bad a funk as last week. Maybe it's monday funk. Funky monday. I wished, really really wished this morning, that i could just call in sick. Too bad i dont have any sick days. One good bout with the flu back in JANUARY wiped those all out.

So you got no prospects, no appealing prospects. Well, that's natural. It'll take some time before the usual appeal of life is restored. So i hope. In the meantime, you just got to float through the day. That's your job. Drift. The thought of drifting never had any appeal to me. Ever just let yourself float in the lake? I have. It gave me motion sickness.

I don't like drifting. I don't like not have any interests. I don't like just being.

And therein lies the problem.

Fear for Tears

I had myself a big ole cry yesterday. Dh noticed i was out of sorts and asked me to sit with him. I cried in his arms, told him how upset i was at my apathetic friends and family, then cried some more. Dh has this really nice calming voice, which always puts me at ease. I tell him all the time that he should do radio.

I feel better for the cry, not so weepy today. But he said something i know i will forget if i dont write it down. He doesn't defend anyone's apathy, doesn't like it when i'm slighted, doesnt like it when i'm hurt. But he noted we live in an apathetic time, where selfishness and narcissism is the norm. And my problem is that i have a sweet soul that is too sensitive for today's reality.

Thank you, honey. What a beautiful thing to say in such a moment of dejection.

Jude

What is anger?

Dictionary.com says that anger is a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. I can understand displeasure well enough. What is hostility? Anger? Dictionary.com says that hostility means being hostile. Does that help? Okay, then it says that hostile means feeling or showing enmity or ill will.

I associate anger with hostility. I don't have any hostility towards any one, no ill will or hate. So, i think i do not ever have anger because having ill will towards people is a conscious negative use of one's energies. Actually, to me, it sounds utterly ridiculous. To pronounce someone worthy of your ill will or enmity is to pass judgment on that person, really. And who are we to judge. Right? This also makes me a great push over. But rather that than wrong someone with ill will.

But, if i were to define anger as having a strong feeling of displeasure, well, then, yes, i would say that i've had a few of those--in recent times, quite a few. I am displeased with the people around me who don’t take good care of me. Now, I know, that I have some blame in that and that it's ultimately my job to take care of myself. It's what i've done all my life. But there is some basic care that a person is entitled to in any relationship, by definition of the relationship. But, all I’ve done is blame myself for the lack of reciprocity, rather than deal with my emotions and disappointment. For the most part what I’ve done is bargain for a better future. I can deal with the sloppy care because I will be replenished in the perfect care of my children.

And I’m so disappointed. I’m so disappointed at the quality of care I get. And I’m so frustrated. And I’m so sad. And I’m so tried. It’s like the news of infertility brings up the reality that I have never received the care that I wanted or needed or was entitled to AND I’m not going to get it in the future—well, at least not in the way I thought or hoped, dreamt or wished for. I can believe that I might get it in a different way than I thought. But in the meantime, I’m really faced with the overwhelming displeasure over the way I’ve been poorly treated or cared for all my life. I am faced with the reality I could never face before—I was wronged.

I think when that has happened in the past, I would quickly sweep it under the rug, thinking that it’s ok because I had promised myself that everything will be right with children. I will be happy with my children.

And I feel bad that I was taken advantage of. I feel bad that I was abused in that way, walked all over, pushed around, uncared for like a used welcome mat. Welcome to Jude, please wipe your feet before you proceed on your journey.

I feel so disappointed in my friends and family, especially the ones that haven’t visited. My sister hasn’t come to visit at all. She calls once a week. Emails even less.

I feel angry at my father, from whom i am estranged only because i stopped running around trying to please him. We had no blow out, no fight, no words. I just lost interest in trying to garner his good favor, something that should not require a lifetime of attempts, but, rather, is my birthright.

The rosey colored glasses that used to show me the bright future have been ripped off. I am left now with the discomfort of the glaring reality.

Jude

Cure for Funk!!!

I forgot that there was one thing i did differently during my funk. I took Passion Flower, at the recommendation of my mother. Being the good daughter that i am (ha ha), i actually did (H-HA!). Only today did i realize that it might have really affected my mood. That's amazing, if true. But it's the only explanation for the sudden disappearance of my funk yesterday.

I'm so tired today. Too tired to blog :) ... yes, i'm avoiding, again. I haven't thought about grieving in what seems like forever. But i truly am tired. I was at a seminar all day today. My workday was 13 hours.

So, this won't be my usual epic length entry. I'm just going to report about my reading of On Grief and Grieving, by Elizabeth Kuebler Ross. There are five phases of grieving ... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The thing is, these are not stages. You don't go from one to the other in any linear fashion. You dont graduate onto the next level. You weave in and out of them. You could be angry for a few minutes and in denial for a week then bargaining the next. I think i've been in a denial and, to some extent, still am in denial. It's easy for me to do. The only thing that changed were words on paper. Our lives didn't change. It's slow to perceive the actual change in our lives. But in a major sense, the entire backdrop is different. Yet, who stops to notice those anymore?

And i think i've been bargaining all my life, thinking that i could put up with any travesty because i knew that i would be happy once i had kids. But i haven't been bargaining about this loss. There was a moment where i felt like bargaining, just begging God to relieve me of my misery, and then i realized that if He did that, i will never fully learn or realize my loss. It will be another bargain, another postponement of the pain. I can't do that anymore.

I can't afford anymore bargains.

Jude

Won't you take me to ... Funkytown?

Ok, as you might guess, funk over. Easy come, easy go. But in between, it was very HARRRRD! Good grief! And you know what, i did nothing, NOTHING, to make it go away. I'm really more of a doer, so usually i scramble to do something to fix my problem. But with funks, man, you're in a twilight zone town, with different laws of nature.

One thing that helped was the advice of a friend, who was very understanding. She said that sometimes you have blah days, and there's nothing to do about them except ride them out. And considering what i've been through, she says, i'm entitled to a month of blah days. Not that i ever want another blah day again. EVER. But it took the pressure off. I feel so much pressure not to have a blah day, to have a good day, to make a good day, to be good, to do good. Why? I don't know. Maybe i think that an unfulfilled life is not worth living. Ya only get one, might as well make the most of it, every single second you got. That's what i think. If i ever just sit around and watch tv, i feel really guilty for the time wasted. If i spend my evenings in front of the tv, i feel so unfulfilled by the end of the evening. Like, all of the sudden i realize that i did nothing that evening, and i must do something useful before bed.

That has lead to many late or sleepless nights.

So with blah days, i usually am still thinking of how to make the most of it. But it's impossible because all of the sudden nothing i like or do is interesting--at all. I hate when that happens.

Ok, but enough about that. I'm just surprised at my good fortune that the blah day seems to have gone away. Thank God. I still feel like it's going to pounce on me when i'm not looking. So i will be walking around gingerly today.

Jude

Anyone have the cure for funk?

I'm really bummed out today, just down and out. I dont feel like being here at work. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to go home. I'm tired.

Have no idea what to do. I wish i had something to look forward to. It's only 9:30 am. How am i going to make it through this day? It looks to be excruciatingly boring and uninteresting.

I don't feel like being here. Have i mentioned that? What a funk! I hate funks. Funks suck. How do you get out of a funk? What's the cure for it?

I dunno, i'm too funked to think about it.

Jude

An atom's weight of hope

I was having a really good day today. I felt up and energetic, interested in my work. A co-worker left me some cookies on my chair to cheer me up. It did.

But then i made the mistake of complimenting another co-worker on the drawing of m & m's he had on his wall. It was clearly the work of a child, but very nice, sweet. I only said it as i walked by his office. BIG MISTAKE. He followed me to tell me ALL ABOUT IT. His daughter, you see, is gifted in the art department, he says. She gave that drawing to him for his birthday, along with candy. She thought about it in advance. Real smart that one. And she ... blah, blah, blah. Good Lord, i didnt want to know all that! I didn't want to be reminded that no one will care that much about my birthday or any other day, for that matter.

I made a quick escape back into the pile of work at my desk, only to find that i needed to ask another co-worker some questions. No kid doodles in his office. Only pictures of GRANDCHILDREN everywhere. Nice. God bless them. He seems to really enjoy his family.

Sigh.

So i finish my questions with him and finally get back to my office, where i get a phone call about a friend who just had a beautiful baby. God bless them. But that's what i wanted! No, no, not just wanted. That's what i thought i would get after all these years. You're not having kids now because God is saving the very best for last.

Sigh

So, yeah, i'm a little down today. Dont feel like doing anything. I was supposed to run to the store. Now i'd like to run to my bed and be swallowed by my covers. Is that ok? And i'm so full. I think i over ate, again.

Sigh.

ok, but really, i feel bad. I dont know why. No, i know why. I'm reminded daily of what people have and i dont. No, i'm reminded daily of what i want but can't have. It really is like being outside the candystore looking in.

But who said that it's never so good as when you're outside the candystore looking in? I heard someone say that at the Oscars once, but was he quoting someone?

Be that as it may, nice quote and all, i dont feel better! I feel awful and out of sorts. And on top of all that, a close friend tells me i should go for another opinion, maybe the doctors were wrong. HELLOOOOOO, is my friend in that brain that just expelled drivel? The last thing i need to hear is go get another opinion, as if we didnt. As if i'd want to have to deal with this reality. As if i'd suddenly announce to the world we're infertile because i didnt have the forethought to double check and recheck and get all the opinions necessary to deny the awful truth. The last thing i need to do right now is cling to an atom's weight of hope in her question. Because i would, i'd be on that atom like superglue.

It's not like it doesn't occur to me. I think maybe the tests were wrong, despite everything. I think maybe God's giving us a miracle today. I think maybe i'm going to be like those women you hear about ... infertile until they adopt. And then suddenly pregnant. And all this i think now, when there is no hope.

So please, don't chime in with stupidity, as if we suddenly lost our brains and need yours to think. God!

Jude

Why do good people write bad things?

So, i put this book "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" on my reading list. I'm about to remove it. The title caught my attention, the content didn't.

Well, you wanna know why bad things happen to good people? Because God is not in control of the world. That's why. Yeah, it turns out, according to the author, that God is not all powerful. God's just very kind. It's brilliant, honestly--brilliant the way he could sell 4 million copies of garbage. Brilliant the way he put the collective human consciousness on par precisely with the rest of the animal kingdom, whereas we might have once before enjoyed the distinction of being separated by intellect.

So, the reason dh and i are infertile is because God can't do anything about it. That's why? I find this explanation intellectually stupifying, emotionally stultifying, and spiritually stifling--not to mention offensive to God. Fortunately, God's all powerful, all good, and all forgiving.

But that is why i am taking this book off the links section of my blog, and I'm replacing it with "Healing Through The Shadow of Loss," by Deborah Morris Coryell. A far more satisfying read.

Jude

Sleeping doesn't help

I felt down today. I woke up that way. How does one manage to wake up feeling down? And then where do you go from there? If the blissful oblivion of sleep can't comfort you, what does? Don't answer that. I already know.

But knowing is one thing and doing is another. How do you bridge the two? Don't answer that. I already know.

But I'm going to answer anyway. With babysteps. You know, the road of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes, it's like my feet are stuck in cement. I'm not averse to taking steps. Sounds like a GREAT idea. But how does one move their cement-laden legs? Deep questions, huh? Where is Jack Handy when you need him? Don't answer that. I don't think i want to know.

Heavy heart and heavy breasts

I woke up this morning with heavy breasts and bloating. And my first thought was, of course, maybe this is it. Maybe i'm pregnant. I think it without thinking. It's automatic. I have to relearn how to think. I can't have automatic useless thoughts. Well, i guess i can and probably do, but not regularly useless, harmful ones. I draw the line there.

Ok, but the thing is, for a split second i thought, really thought, maybe the doctors were wrong. How could i possibly be this bloated, especially in my breasts. This doesn't usually happen to me. Maybe, really, this is it.

But then, i remembered that i did not coordinate a rendezvous with dh during the great fertility window. And then i got mad. Mad at dh. Why didn't we coordinate things a little better? I could be pregnant if he just stepped up a bit, if we actually had sex during ovulation.

I felt so frustrated.

But frustrated for what? For the missed opportunity to get pregnant? The fact that dh didn't jump on the opportunity during ovulation (all puns intended)? But there's no hope of fertilization or impregnantion. So, what difference would it make if he did? And, why should he bother?

See, it's so difficult to accept that i will never get pregnant, although i'm talking about it and writing about it. I still have some automatic hopeful thoughts that despite all the evidence, there will be a different outcome. Sometimes i think that, well, maybe the doctor was wrong. What if he was? That would certainly explain the heavy breasts, wouldn't it? Why else would i have them? Bloated, you say, from eating salty food last night? No, that's not the answer i'm looking for. I need something a little more fantastic please. Only fantasies for me. No realities. Reality sucks. Fantasies make babies. Beautiful ones too.

I'm so sleepy tonight. I just thought i'd mention that i got mad at dh for missing the window of opportunity to impregnate me, even though there's no chance.. It's kinda funny. I'd laugh if it i didnt find it sad. Despite the impossiblity of it all, i find that i still want to try.

And that hurts.

It's like playing the lottery when there is no pot.

Jude

Delayed Reaction

I've been delaying posting. Too busy being busy. Filling my life with nonissues and nonsense. It's like a nervous habit, only i'm not nervous. I'm avoiding the issue. It's like eating and overeating. Who doesn't love food? It's very filling but not fulfilling.

But onto to the topic. I'm ovulating. I notice these things. I notice when there's a slight flutter in my abdomen. Oooh, i've never felt that before. Maybe, maybe, maybe, we did it this time. I notice when my breasts are more sensitive. Ooooh, they're really sensitive this month. This could be it! I notice when my appetite changes. Ooooh, food cravings?! You know who gets those?! I notice if i get slighty sick. Ooooh, nausea! yay!!! I notice when my period is one minute late. Oooh, get the pregnancy test. (i've probably single-handedly kept that industry afloat.)

It's tricky with ovulation because i usually have to coordinate a rendezvous with dh so that it feels natural but falls PRECISELY within the 12 hour or 24 hour (or whatever-the-heck time frame the latest science news grants the life of an egg) window within which to optimize conception. And then you realize that maybe you were wrong and that you didn't ovulate yesterday, but that you're ovulating today! Ooooh, Dh, come on, hurry, there's still a chance!

And it's weird having sex without the potential for conception. I cried the first time. I used to pray that God would bless us with good children. Literally, silently, right before sex. Not that i'm one who believes that sex is only for conception. Far from it. But i was just too focused on conceiving to have sex for any other purpose, like sex. I sacrificed my own enjoyment. Everything got sacrificed at the alter of baby-making.

It's like, see God, how noble i am? I'm sacrificing my own pleasure. Who needs that, when i'm aiming for something far more honorable. Now, dont i deserve to be a member of that noble profession? Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!

But the thing is, i was never ignoble or unnoble to begin with. I never had to prove that or my worthiness. So why did i do that? Aye, i mentioned that everything got sacrificed at the aforementioned alter ... it apparently included my senses. Well, you become so focused on trying to have a baby that nothing else matters, until it gets to the point where you forget that there was ever anything else to matter.

And so now i'm ovulating. Did you know that you ovulate 14 days prior to your period? Unless of course, you're a man, then you wouldn't. But just so you know, it takes 72 hours to make sperm. Did you know that you can ovulate anywhere between the 10 and 16th day of your cycle? Did you know that some people say that on occasion a woman will ovulate twice--once midcycle and once depending on her moonphase? Did you know when you ovulate that the ovary has finally released the egg into your body, like popping a pimple. Did you know that the egg floats around in your body until it's picked up by follicles that sweep it into the fallopian tubes, where millions of sperm are supposed to meet and greet it. Did you know that if your temperature spikes, that you're ovulating? Did you know, that if your temperature remains high up until the day of your period that you're pregnant? Did you know it's really good to visualize conception? That's what they say. That's what i've been doing. That's what i must now stop doing.

Sometimes i wish i didnt know so much about it, that i wasn't so self-aware, that i didnt thoroughly study the matter. I've known women who were 9 months pregnant and not know that they will dialate to 10 centimeters. And they're going to be mothers? I think i took measurements as i left my mother's womb. I've known that forever.

And so, it saddens me to see the evidence of fertility, yet again, but all for naught. Impotent potential.

That life is over now.

I must rebuild my life with few barely cognizable pieces left in the wake of this awful truth. But how, when having children infiltrated every thought, every deed, every breath.

How do i breathe again?

Jude

Forever Infertile

Forever is a really long time. It's hard to fathom. Well, i guess, technically, it's not forever, really, it's only until i die. Oh joy.

I'm up way too late tonight. Can't sleep. Haven't really slept well since we found out over a week ago that we can never have biological children of our own. After 15 years of trying and nearly 30 years of wanting (i've wanted to be a mother ever since i was a kid), it's over. It's like i'm at the end of a computer game i lost. Game over. Fertility over. It's over. Gone. Done. The reality of it is hard to imagine. It's much easier going on as i have been, living month to month on the hope that my period would be late for good reason. That's the reality that i know, painful as it was, as all women who are trying to conceive know and are instead visited by aunt flo. I hate aunts. Aunt flo is the only aunt who visits me regularly.

I was at work when i got the news. It was right before this past Labor Day weekend. Dh told me. We knew that there was a chance that the news would not be good. It went from bad to worse in seconds. I started crying right away at my desk. I knew it was over. The trying was over.

I cried all night and well into the next day. I told my sister. She said, "I can understand how that might be distressing."

I went to work. I had to. But i hardly got anything done. I was so glad to go home. But that weekend, i woke up one night unable to move my left side. It had gone completely numb, arm and leg. I thought that my body had fallen asleep. I searched for my left arm with my right hand. I thought it was under me or DH. I had no feeling for it and no idea where it was. Eventually the sensation came back. Nyeh, i thought, and went back to bed.

I told my husband in the morning. He thought i should call the doctor. The doctor told me to go to the ER asap. It turns out that i might have had a mini stroke. The er doctor said if i were younger, he'd thought i had a stroke. But i'm only 32.

I still dont know what happened. I know i'm still in shock over being infertile. I went for an MRI and now i need an EEG. But in the meantime, i have these wonderful throbbing headaches that keep me up at night and make me wonder if i'll lose sensation again or just lose it all together. I told my husband that if it happens again (which is possible in the first 90 days after having the first one) that i'll raise my index finger as a signal to call 911. Do you think that will work?

Somehow staying awake, keeping watch over the left side of my body, is working better.

But i digress. I guess that's the thing about grieving. No one likes to stay on topic. No one likes to remember that the one thing they've ever wanted all of their lives will never ever be. The one thing they've hoped for, dreamt about, and tried for will not happen. I don't know how to go on from here. I don't know how else to be. Wanting to be a mother is what i've always wanted to be.

In the meantime, i've been so many other things. I've been a playwright, an actor, a producer, a director, a writer, a teacher, a guidance counselor, a wife, a student, a friend, and a lawyer. But none of those were anything i wanted so much as being a mother. It's very strange, and probably wrong on some level. But the wish to be a mother was born in my childhood, and i've never been forced to revisit that wish or dream until now.

Thank God for all things.

Jude