40 Mournings and Nights

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Adopting Happiness

This was a post I wrote on this day November 21, 2005, but i never posted. I'm posting it now to track the growth and changes i've made over time.

Jude 2/1/06


A friend of mine asked whether it's time i considered adoption. It's not. I feel like i just found out that we can't have kids. What, it's only been two months and a half, since Labor Day weekend at the beginning of September. I'm not over that. I'm over the initial shock, but not over everything it ever meant to me.

But more than that, there's a part of me that sees that i've linked a certain amount of happiness with getting pregnant and having a child of my own. And what is that but a fleeting moment in time? How is it any different from the person who links a certain amount of happiness with getting married and the wedding day (or night as the case may be ;). But what is that but a fleeting moment as well? You still want to make sure that marriage is the right thing for you or having a baby is the right thing for you, not just because you're attached to the idea of it or the happiness that "certainly" comes with it.

But is it really so? Are people who choose to marry certain to be happy? Are people who have children certain to be happy by that? I dont think so. I dont think those experiences provide any lasting happiness. Yes, those are happy experiences, but those experiences do not quench the deep abiding thirst for happiness in and of themselves.

I think that happiness is really internal. We romanticize it and externalize it, but that's superficial. What happens after the wedding? What happens after birth? Real life begins. And it's not like you fantasized. It's not the happiness you were certain of.

So, as you can see, i'm really not ready to adopt. I cant impose my expectations of happiness on someone else. I've never done it with dh, but probably only because i was waiting to do it with my kids. And i cant do that. For that reason it is fortuitous that i dont have kids at the mo. But nor can i ask anyone to be my kid until i've learned for myself how to satisfy my need for happiness. It maybe through kids, it may not. So far, i've only ever considered it a possibility through kids.

I think that's a huge burden for any child of mine to bear, biological or not.

I guess for me I need to find happiness regardless of whether I have kids in my life. I just cant see how they’re the only path. And I cant adopt kids with any expectation that they will fulfill me. When i married dh, i never settled back and thought, ok, now, it's time for you to fulfill me and make me happy. But with kids, i kind of do have that expectation. That's why this loss is so traumatic. They were supposed to be my happiness.

It's wrong to think that way. And i want to make sure i dont make the same mistake by transferring those expectations of my for biological children into my hopes for adoption.

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving !#*%&@!^%!*#%**#*!*@

So, today's Thanksgiving. We're invited to my SIL's. I'm not going. DH is. I just dont wanna. I wanna stay home and have a day off. I dont want to see people. I dont want to make conversation. I dont want to be uncomfortable.

What i want to do is have a little quiet time for myself. Relax in peace and quiet. Write. Wax. Do a load or two of laundry. Play with my cats. Watch a movie. Go to bed early. Take care of me.

So those are my plans.

Tomorrow i have to go to work. And maybe Saturday too. I fell a little behind during all this grief, and I need to catch up in time for a department-wide audit.

But today i want for me.

Jude

Monday, November 21, 2005

Bad Feeling.

Yeah, so i'm depressed. Royally so. Havent been this depressed in a long while. Not since before the end of the mourning, and that was 5 weeks ago. So, the good news is, that on average, i've been depressed a whole lot less lately.

But i'm depressed today. And i find myself slipping back into old habits of thinking, like ... it's okay if my friends get pregnant, cuz one day it'll be my turn. You'll see. Everyone gets a turn. Soooo, no need to feel bad. My time is coming. And, it's gonna be awesome.

No, no, no. There will be no turn for me. Not in this lifetime.

And then it's like, ok, fine. But what is there in this lifetime? Huh???? A half finished novel???? Okay, it's almost finished, but still! Disappearing friends? Isolation? Loneliness? Frustration? Madness?

And then, here's the best part ... i had convulsions during my sleep Friday night. Yeah, that's right. Seizure. So, distressing news translates into seizures and/or mini-strokes.

That's just great. Dandy.

No, i'm not going to rush to the doctor like this is a big deal. First off, the test results from the mini-stroke would have shown something. And this quick fit of full body involuntary movement during my sleep came on the heels of a rather distressing day. I guess, the good news is that i'm physically sensitive to bad news. Awww, poor baby.

Give me a fricken break already.

Jude

Saturday, November 19, 2005

A Mean Case of Infertility

I'm having a nasty bout with infertility today. So far, i've cried all morning and slept all day. And, worst of all, is that i feel like i have no one to talk to about it. All my friends know that the mourning period is over and even when i was in mourning, they weren't always available. Now it's like what do i do, call them up and explain that infertility is really a condition, sometimes you have flare ups and sometimes it goes into remission? How fun for my friends. Here comes Jude on the caller ID, wonder what she wants to talk about.

And then the rest of my friends are getting pregnant, so that makes everyone act weird around me. Can we say this in front of her? Will she be upset by that? And it leaves me with no friend to hold my hand through this. Who can understand this? Huh? What can i say that wont come across as jealousy, and then make me uncomfortable for what they think of me. And i'm not jealous. I'm so unbelievably happy for my friends, it's painful. Can you understand that?

Can anyone understand that?

Friday, November 18, 2005

It's Raining Preggers!

Another one! Another friend of mine is pg. I just want to go home now and crawl under my covers, where it's safe from pregnant women. But first, i'd like a bucket of hot chocolate please, from Starbucks, with EXTRA EXTRA chocolate. Then, i want to move on to the next fix, whatever it is, to stop feeling so bad. Make the bad feeling stop, already. It's so God awful. Like, you want to run around your office building and scream until the pain stops.

But, it's freezing out. And i is lazy. And, well, it would be a tad weird. And so, i wont be doing that. I'll just be suffering in silence.

I am not pregnant, but other people are.

And now it's going to be so weird to run into them. I'd rather not. Especially while they're pregnant. And then, i guess, all normal conversation with them will be lost.

i need some new friends.

So the thing about infertility is that you not only lose your children or hope of them, you lose your friends too.

Well yippe-kay-fricken-yay.

Jude


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Happy News--For Someone Else

i found out a good friend of mine is pregnant. This is the first close pregnancy since discovering i can never get pregnant. Never, ever. And then you hear about those who can. How do i feel? I dont know. Numb. Disappointed. Saddenned.

Actually, worse than that. I feel the joy that she must feel, the joy that i would feel if that had happened to me. Unexpectedly pregnant. I feel her excitement, the excitement i will never experience for myself. That's a bitter pill. And that's what saddens me. That i can feel this happiness and simultaneously know that it will never be mine.

Ouch. Life hurts.

So i do feel bad about this. But my mind keeps telling me that i can have this happiness. It may not be as i imagined (with a lot of children) but it's still available to me. And in the end, that's what matters. Contentment.

But right now, i feel that happiness that isnt mine.

And it feels like a sad loss to me.

Jude

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's a Tragedy for Me to See the Dream is Oooo-verrrrrrr

But i never will forget,
the day we met,
girl i'm gonna miss you ...

Can you tell i grew up in the 80's? I think music appreciation skipped that decade.

But i'm really here to talk about a new found appreciation for tragedies. Yeah, me, the girl who cant watch any movie without knowing in advance that everyone will live happily ever after. Is it any wonder that Ever After is listed as one of my favorite movies?

I actually caught that movie on cable recently and cringed ... cringed ... at some of the lame lines. Who can forget Drew Barrymore trying to roll out "I shall ... try." Maybe that's why it got stuck on her tongue. It's lame writing. And then i discovered that the movie was chuck full of 'em. It made me want to remove Ever After off my favorites list. But then, i is lazy. Nyeh.

So the other day, on a particularly sucky night ... what happened that night ... hold on, i'm trying to remember why i was bummed ... oh yeah, i got a big ole rejection letter from an agent on my manuscript. Reee-jeck-sheeee-yon. Yeah, so, the other night, i was so totally bummed. It's like, i work all day and write all night and nothing seems to be working out. I am not producing (read, reproducing) on any level. It's like infertility applies all over my life. Maybe my english teacher was right? Stupid woman. I cant talk about her without saying that. Is that mean?

Anyway, back to my ever-elusive point. So i was flipping through the channels and i came across the last half hour of Moulin Rouge. I have never seen that movie, nor did i ever want to because i have sixth sense about tragic endings and i AVOID them. But this day, the misery i was feeling masked my sixth sense and the normal triggers i have in place to change the channel. So instead, i was drawn in. And as i watched, i had the feeling that it was going to end badly and that i would be really disappointed. And i hate disappointment and i hate bad endings. But i figured, heck, it cant be worse than dealing with never having the one thing you ever wanted or living with permanent infertility or having your novel rejected (which is also my baby). Tragedy, you say? Ha! I could care less.

So i sat there and watched with an open mind. It was right at the point where hero and heroine declared their love for each other, and the theme is that it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. And so you know by theme, there's going to be some tragic ending. But the whole time you think (or at least i did) that the tragedy is that she will have to dump hero and go with the dastardly duke. And you feel so tortured for her decision because it saves everyone in the play.

And in the end ... i wont give it away, except to say that it's still tragic but it's a beautiful movie, very well-told, from the half hour that i saw. And it shocks me to say this after a lifetime of devotion to happily-ever-afters. I thought that only those types of movies were good or emotionally satisfying. Who wants to watch tragedy? Life is tragic enough.

But a well-told tragedy, like Romeo and Juliet, has its own bittersweet but satisfying beauty.

And oddly, i felt a renewed hope after watching it. I guess the experience of tragedy has a way of clearing the space for renewal and regrowth.

And so now i have a newfound appreciation for tragedies--the well crafted ones. I'm still against all those tragedies that aimlessly pull at your heartstrings and carelessly leave you in a puddle of tears at the end. That's what infertility is for. Dont need to rent that, when i've lived it. Gimme something i dont know.

I didnt know there could be any beauty in a perfect tragedy.

Jude





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Monday, November 14, 2005

Hi-Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To The OB-GYN I Go

Dont make the mistake of getting excited. Yes, i know. A trip to the ob-gyn is not like trips to other doctors. There's always that small hope that the doctor will call you into her office and say, I dont know how to tell you this, but despite all possible predictions to the contrary, you're pregnant! or my personal favorite ... The reason you're so fat is because ... YOU'RE 6 MONTHS PREGNANT! I heard that on the news once. A woman was rushed to the emergency room complaining of stomach cramps and delivered a baby instead.

No, i have no such news to report. In fact, i am here to announce that the ob-gyn's office has risen in its rankings of least favorite places to visit, beating out the dentist's chair.

Why? you must ask ... well, it's so baby-geared and baby infused. I want to go to an ob-gyn that has nothing to do with babies or getting pregnant, just the usual run-of-the-mill yeast infections and pap smears. I dont want to overhear the doctor talking about a woman who had to have a ceasarian because her baby was too large. I dont want to be in a waiting room full of mommy's-to-be.

And the best part is, i find myself trying to compete for my ob-gyn's attention. As if i feel that she suddenly realized that i'm not the IVF cash cow of her dreams. I'm just a time-guzzling hypochondriac who wont get the message that there are pitri-dish babies to be made in the time i am wasting.

Well, that's not entirely true. My doctor did not see dollar signs when she looked at me in the past. Well, i'm going to at least give her the benefit of the doubt that she didnt. She is nice. She just took a long, long, LONG time to return my five phone calls over the last 10 days. Ok, well, we did play phone tag, and her mother died. So, her sudden "disinterest" in me may have nothing to do with me at all. Who knew?

So, here it is again, another wonderful monday morning. So far, i missed my train, was late for work, have been stuck with a needle twice, saw more pregnant women and babies than i've seen in the last month, and, and, and ... well, the day is still young.

I realized today that everytime i go to the ob-gyn, i carry with me the subconscious wish that this visit will go differently.

It didnt.

Jude



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Sunday, November 06, 2005

Novel Thoughts

So, like, i'm writing a novel ... LOLOLOLOL. I KNOW!!! It's hilarious. Me, a writer. Who woulda thunk, huh? Certainly not my english teacher, who taught me that i dont know how to write. Stupid woman. I believed her for a good long while, until i met dh. One of the first things he said to me was that i should write (having read some of my stuff). No one had ever said that. Ever. And i didnt believe him. I thought it was a come on. What he was really saying, is i want your body and i'll saying anything to get it. ;)

Ok, but that's ridiculous because i really just didnt believe him. It's the last thing you could say to me to get my body ... but I was flattered. So i guess it worked. But by then he already had my body, so he had no incentive to flatter. Besides that, he is not a flatterer.

Anyway, it took 10 years for me to finally come around and pen something. Actually, me and dh once wrote a draft of an episode of the X-Files. Major fans, we once were, until Mulder left. Then we did too. Anyway, that was so much fun writing between me and him.

But i'm digressing from what i really came to talk about .... rant about. Welllll, i just finished an awesome novel by Lisa Kleypas. You know what was so good about it? The fact that it kept me reading it from the moment i picked it up. It was an entertaining read. Not dark or dreary or sad. That's what i want to write. That's what i wrote, in fact. And now it suddenly occurred to me, what's the point? If Lisa Kleypas is already doing an awesome job of writing stuff i like, why do i need to come in and reiterate the same point? How positively unoriginal. Booooring.

I'm just so disappointed and stuck. I have a major case of writer's block. I want to finish editing my novel, but then i have to make the mistake of reading something good, and it's like, why bother? Huh? I always knew i couldnt write. My stupid english teacher thought so. What does dh know anyway? He cant possibly know what he's talking about ... even though he went to the top journalism school in the country. But still, i know he just wants to get into my pants.

Ok, i'm feeling sort of deflated today about my writing. A good read can do that. It's like, well, if good novels actually do exist, there's no need for me to attempt to save the world from drivel and mediocrity (emphasis on attempt).

What i need is to go back to the basics, starting with chapter one--aka, Suckity Suck Chapter 1. Good grief, everytime i think it's ready, i come back to it months later and find it horrific. ACK!!!! Who wrote this?! It makes me want to go right up to dh and say Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee, this sucks. And you said i could write! Ha! Well, you're wrong, mister. You've been wrong all these years. And it makes me wonder, what else you been wrong about? Huh? Huh, huh, huh? (gasping with dawning realization) You've been wrong about loving me too! I knew it. You cant love me. How could you anyway, i suck!

... ooookay. Now that that little self-flagellating rant is over and out of my system, maybe i can move onto to the real business of my writer's block. I wrote my novel because i really enjoyed the writing process. It's not about getting published at this point. It's about the creative process, which i enjoy. And i enjoy it the more i work on it because it does get easier ... no, let me rephrase that. The frustrations of writing become more manageable while the joy of it becomes less infrequent. I live for those moments where i'm totally involved in what i'm doing, time stands still and i am like michael jordan with an endless stream of 3 point shots. And for that moment, i am happy.

But it's so very hard to stay in that moment because my analytical mind will want to step in to make calculations about how long that happiness will last and when i need to brace myself for the let down that inevitably ensues.

I need to give my analytical mind a vacation. And when that happens, i can finish my novel without worry or fear because in the end, i just want the story to click to my satisfaction. You know that feeling you get from proving a geometry problem or answering a math problem correctly? That feeling of being right? I know it because i majored in math. So many times i would solve a problem and check it at the back of the book against the correct answer and get that click of being right. Eventually it becomes instinctive. I know when all the pieces of my novel have fallen together exactly the way i imagined it when i get that click.

There's a scene in Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, wherein Paul Newman's character cant stand the lies and fakeness, the mendacity of his life, including his wife, who he suspects of lying about having an affair. So he starts drinking. And the only time he begins to feel better is when that click goes off in his mind. I guess liquor silences the screaming contradictions of people in his mind. He wants that momentary bliss you can get from being totally inebrietated. It's a temporary bliss made worse by the terrible short and long term consequences--hangover and addiction. But at least for that moment, he's happy--still, for the wrong reasons to my mind. But his character will take the feeling of happiness for any reason at any cost.

But i think that click of peace, satisfaction, or bliss is achievable with the right reasons, without the short lived, high price of intoxicants. It's much much harder to achieve. Requires unflappable discipline. I've only felt it in fleeting half moments that i stumble upon by complete accident. But still, i believe.

And now i'm aware of them and i'm aware of attempting to string more and more of those moments together.

And that's what i want my novel to do. I'm waiting for my novel to click from beginning to end. And when it does, then i'll know it's finished. But in the meantime, it's like playing your masterpiece, your opus, with an untried assembly of musicians. Someone is playing out of tune, but you're not skilled enough to catch it. So you have to play it again, tweek something else and see if that corrects the twang in your mind's hearing.

Chapter one has been twanging off key for the longest time.

I should take music lessons. Maybe that'll stop the twanging. Or, at the very least, i could learn to compose an opus and call it The Clickity Cluck of Suckity Suck.

Jude

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Hello Flo

I'm not pregnant. Yes, i got my period today. I wasnt expecting to actually be pregnant, but i still notice that i'm not. Old habits.

The interesting thing that happened this time is that usually the day before my period i get extremely depressed. I never believed it was psychological. First, there are some months, where my period doesnt even come when it's expected. But, literally the day before my period shows up, whenever that is, i'd have a day of deep deep sadness. It's like my body knows what i dont, and it will mourn when i wont. My body has known this but i never faced it. I would just sweep it under the rug on the hope that i would succeed the next time.

But this time, it didnt happen. Emotionality stayed within normal range.

Was it psychological all along?

I dont know, i'm just glad i got a month off from a cyclical day of sadness.

Jude


 
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