40 Mournings and Nights

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Neeeeear ... Faaaar .... Where Ever You Are

Okay so now that I don’t have to focus ALL MY ATTENTION on having children, it’s suddenly turned on to dh. And it’s like, wow, God is great, cuz I got me an awesome dh.

But I’ve always known that. I aint no dummy. I knew exactly what I got the moment I married him—a prince among men, and a heart of gold.

The problem is, now I realize I have an awesome dh AND I could lose him at ANY MOMENT. I have this terrible fear now that something’s going to happen to him. Like, loss has become the norm in my life and now I expect it to continue.

So, I was thinking of stalking dh. Do you think he would mind? I have to make sure he’s all right. That’s my heart out there, walking around, alone, unprotected, without me to cover it and keep it safe. What am I gonna do?

I know, I know it’s a silly fear based in nonsense. I am not, afterall, in control of the world or any calamities that befall it or its inhabitants. But that doesn’t preclude me from praying for divine intervention. Soooo

Dear God, please bless my dh with a long healthy with me (healthy too) because he’s awesome and I love him. And I know you love him too, but um like um …hmmm. I’m lost on that one. Just please bless us with a long healthy loving life and let us die together. That’s all (except, I really don’t wanna die so soon, cuz, that sounds kinda scary and I’m not done trying to do good by You).

Otherwise, what else is there to do? What am I going to do, hover around him like a mother hen? See, that’s the real problem. A subconscious need to hover? Noooo, a subconscious need to mother. I know. But I don’t want to be stage mom, for God’s sake, crowd the child … err, husband.

And now you can see why my dh is so awesome ... he actually puts up with all this :)

God bless you baby,

Jude


Blog counter - free blog (homepage / website) visitor hit tracking and statistical system

www.seo-blog.org blogcounter javascript


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The 40th Day!

Oh my God, it's the 40th day of mourning and i cant believe it. I've been delaying posting because i just cant believe how far i've come in 40 days. I never imagined, when i set out, that i could feel any better than when i started. Afterall, my life was over. The life that i always wanted, gone forever. Cant imagine getting over that, even as i write it now.

But, as i look back at where i was emotionally and where i am now, i cant help but notice that i dont feel as bad. Slowly, slowly, slowly, over all these days, i've been feeling incrementally better, not so much as you'd notice it one day, but enough to notice it after all this time has passed.

The first 10 days were God awful. Terrible, terrible. Shocking, mentally and physically. I cried and cried and cried. I couldnt believe it. And i didnt know how to be anymore. I wanted to feel better so badly. If i had any drugs at my disposal, i would have taken them. But i couldnt organize myself to actually go to the doctor. Enough with the doctors already.

The next 10 days were still God awful, with an occasional brief moment of feeling not so awful. It helped that i kept talking and writing about it. That helped so much. It helped that i had a couple of people keep asking about me, not just after the initial news, even though there were many many lonely times in between and i could have used more company so that my depression was not compounded by silence and loneliness. That was difficult.

The next 10 days were hard because i was physically exhausted. I wasnt getting enough sleep, i kept waking up at night. I felt anxious and worried and scared. I felt like i couldnt do anything because something could happen to me. I couldnt drive to home depot because i could die on the way. Lots of irrational fears through this time. It helped that i took time off and did nothing but rest and relax.

And the last 10 days were more of the prior 10 but i realized that they were nothing like the first 10. I started to make rest a priority because i realized that depression was made worse but fatigue and exhaustion. Taking care of my basic need for more rest and feeling more rested helped a lot. Rest is an amazing healing power. I usually feel guilty for napping or sleeping too much. So, slowing down and giving myself this time without the guilt took some effort. After work, i did nothing but lay in front of the tv, surf the net, and go to bed early.

And so now here i am. I cant believe this. A part of me feels like tomorrow i will slide back into that God awful phase of depression. I cant believe it was this "easy" but it wasnt. A part of me feels like i'm just on a long temporary break from depression. I cant really be feeling this "okay." That's why i've delayed this post.

And yet, here i am. When i set out on this journey, i promised to commit myself to mourning my loss for 40 days and nights, not to dwell on it, but to try to feel better without shoving the feelings under the carpet or ignoring the feelings with "positive thinking," which doesnt work. It's very hard to go from thinking about getting pregnant every second of every minute of everyday to never ever. So with this blog, i decided to put those thoughts down. That way, they will be out of my mind at least. I've acknowledged them and felt them and filed them. And that allowed me to face the sadness of the next day that arose from new realizations of what this loss meant to me, instead of dwelling on one single thing. I moved on to other things that hurt me about this loss, until eventually all the hurts were hung out to dry.

I have come to the end of my 40 days and nights of mourning, and i feel that though i've lost the key to my happiness, i've discovered the keymold. Now it's up to me to learn how to mold a new key. It's starting from square one, learning to live again.

And though the official 40 days of mourning is over, that does not preclude me from feeling sad on occassion, especially in the first year, as i learn to live with this newfound knowledge.

I will continue to post a few days a week because i'm not done talking about all the things i feel about this subject, nor all the things i've learned. Now begins the attempts to build a life in light of this loss. And i suspect that i still have old ways of thinking that no longer serve me, but would serve my children--like how i spend my holidays or who i befriend. (I need to find people who's main concerns are not babies or baby making. There's a topic for the future. )

So this is not the end ... just the end of the commitment to daily mourning progress reports. From now on it's just progress reports.

Jude

Monday, October 24, 2005

Honoring the Wish

I want to make sure i do this clearly at least once during my mourning. It was always my wish to have children. It's been the single most important wish of my life, the driving wish. It infused everything i did, what career i chose, what i did with the "spare" bedroom (which was nothing), what i thought about when i went to the bathroom, what i did with my spare time. It controlled my free time, my thoughts, and my fantasies. And anything else was filler.

Okay, but that's not honoring the wish. I should try to honor the wish, so i know i did it specifically. I dont want to leave any healing stone unturned. But I'm feeling a little beyond the wish. It no longer holds the same value or meaning. I see it for what it's done to my life--controlled my decisions, blocked my happiness, kept me from living in the here and now, kept me from enjoying the present as if that were wrong. And it's funny that i say that because here i was thinking all along that my wish to bear children and be a mother encapsulated my happiness. So hoping for it was kind of making me happy because it kept me as close to it as i was going to get until it actually happened. And i did that to be happy, all along making myself miserable. MISERABLE. I mean, waiting to miss your period, then missing it for a day or two or ten, then thinking you're pregnant, then finding out that you're not--and doing that every month for 15 years is PURE misery.

What i really feel like doing is mourning all the little losses of those years--all the things i stopped myself from doing, all the things i wanted but didnt allow myself to have in lieu of the ultimate "have" i would be getting (beget). I just mentally checked out of my own life. I didnt take care of the little things i wanted, just waited for the ultimate want to appear. Waited and waited and waited. I didnt want to be in law school, once i discovered what it was all about. I didnt want to study nonsense those long hours. I did that for 3 years. In a twisted sort of way, the hope of having children, the hope of a future happiness gave me the will to put up with that. I didnt want to go to the small college i went. I had the grades to get into the college i wanted. I just didnt claim what i wanted. So long as i was to have children, no other want mattered.

I think i have honored the wish. These 40 days have been an homage to that wish. This wish to have children (and finally find happiness) helped me through a lot--through my parents' divorce, through school, through bad jobs, through every little thing that didnt go right. It kept me together all these years.

But now it's time to also acknowledge the shadow side of what it's done. It's kept my life on permanent hold, kept me from actually attaining happiness (when there was none being attained through the one avenue i thought), kept me on a painful monthly emotional roller coaster. And this i did for 15 years, hoping and waiting that each successive month would be different than the last, until i started to pray that God would take me off this emotional roller coaster.

Well my prayer has been answered now, maybe not in the way i expected, but what am i going to do ... balk?

What i see now is that for the first time in a long long time, i actually have real hope of happiness because i realize, finally finally realize, that having children is not the only way. This is an obvious and logical conclusion, i agree. I've even thought it before (shocking, i know). But i've never been able to feel it or believe it. I've never been able to give up the hope, the certainty, that having children was the best way to ultimate happiness for me.

I still dont know what that looks like or how to define happiness specifically. Is it in writing? In praying? In doing good works? In baking? In adopting? Who knows. But at least now i'm willing to allow myself the opportunity of finding out--where as before, no other form of happiness was required, developed, or sought after. Children were it. But children are not it.

I am.



Fat Monday

Timeout for a theme song...

Fat girl, Fat girl, whattya gonna do-ooo, whattya gonna do when she's rollin to you.

I'm feeling VERY fat today. And I'm NOT pregnant. First, i've been overeating like mad. And today, i feel so bloated. Nothing fits! I might as well shop in the maternity aisle just for these oh-so-special pms days.

I can just see myself in the maternity section ...

Me: Ooooh, elastic waist band, Wahoo! Perrrrfect.
Marshall Fields clerk(who always must interrupt you while you're shopping): Can i help you?
Me: No, i found what i'm looking for.
Marshall Fields clerk (with knowing smile on her face): Aww, when are you due?
Me: Me? Um, no, you see, i'm just FAT. Fat, OKAY! Something wrong with that? And one day i wanna get pregnant, but i cant. I cant ever get pregnant. Actually, i hate this aisle, it's right up there with the baby section, which sucks, in a cloyingly, baby-powder infused way. Who invented baby powder? Huh? I have two words for ya, sistah, Peeee-yuuuhh.

... ahem, as you can see, i have repressed desire to have to shop in that section. But who am i kidding, that's for FAT pregnant women, who are TOO FAT for their normal clothes (HA HA) like i am feeling today, without the bonus baby in the oven (boo hoo).

Okay, and then, there was a huge train delay today AND it's raining.

Happy Monday.

Jude

Silent Mode

I dont feel like talking much lately. I'm not upset or depressed. I'm just not in the mood to talk. It's like suddenly i have all these ideas swirling around in my head and i dont have time to slow down for conversation.

I saw a woman today pushing a double stroller--a common occurrence. But for me today, i saw that, and my heart didnt jump with hope. This is HUGE. I didnt have a "when-is-it-my-turn" moment. She was just another person--albeit, heavily encumbered with small attachments ;)

I dont mean to objectify children, but i am someone who has personalized them for way too long. It's finally about time i put a little distance between me and the hope of children (and all that meant to me, a lot of which was fantasy based than reality based). I really have thought, seriously, that children are SO MUCH FUN. And they have been, when i've encountered them or played with them or spoken to them. But i've never had to raise them, or watch over them 24/7, or even worry about them much. Some how, my mind stops thinking beyond the fantasy of fun and games and love.

But the reality is very different, as many mothers will attest. And it's unreasonable, really, to expect that my children were really going to fill this huge void in my life, a void that existed from when i was young. That's not their responsibility. If and when (see i still think it's possible) i have children, i need to be emotionally complete. I cant rely on them to fulfill me, anymore than i can or should rely on dh to fulfill me. That's a huge burden to place on someone else, let alone a child. And, its a certain formula for failure because you shift the onous of responsibility for your success and wellness beyond your reach, constantly waiting for someone else to do it for you.

And so i've learned that children do not equal happiness. Wahooo! This is a major internal realization. Though i've always known it, i've never been able to fully realize it, feel it, or own it.
But I own it now. And i feel relieved. RELIEVED!? Can you believe it? I feel relieved from waiting and wanting this specific form of happiness. It's like my life has been on hold for 15 years. Yes, i'm relieved. I dont have to wait anymore. And i dont have to live with constant frustration and disappointment, the monthly ups and downs. Relief. I can finally move on to affirmatively grasping what i want--the want that i assumed children would fulfill.

So what do i want? I still cant say specifically. It's not that easy. I used to say specifically children. But the real want is to be happy. Seriously happy. The kind of happy where you're excited to get out of bed in the morning. The kind of happy where people are excited when you walk in the room. The kind of happy i feel when i allow myself to devote endless gobs of time to craft projects. The kind of happy i feel when i'm being totally creative. There are sometimes when i'm so into what i'm doing, 18 hours can go by and i wont feel it or get up for a meal.

What i want is to be happy. But first, i must discover what that really means to me.

And that's not a tragedy, but a new seed of hope.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Let's Cancel All Holidays

I dont feel like celebrating the holidays. I dont feel like being around people, the empty talk. First of all, it's never fun. The best holiday i had was the last one, where dh and i went Disneyworld. That's fun. But holidays at home are so stressful. Too stressful. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of denying to myself how much i dont enjoy them. I've always put on good cheer, bought a ton of presents, and really tried to make it fun for the kids in my life (I have 3 little brothers and sister). But on some level, i did that because i wanted to have a tradition that would carry over to my own children, where i made the holidays so much fun for them.

Now i want to make the holidays fun for me. I have no idea what that means, but at the very least, it means acknowledging that i hate holidays, that they're mind numbingly boring, and that i dont have to celebrate them in the traditional way if i dont feel like it.

Dh and i considered traveling during thanksgiving break. The places we chose are twice as expensive as the regular times. So, i decided it wasnt worth it. And, i definitely dont want to go to Disneyworld during the holidays. That's nutty. I'd really honestly rather stay home than invite more stress into my life.

I have to figure out how to enjoy the holidays. The best thing i can think of getting away. But where to go?

What do people without children do for the holidays? I'm sure i'm not the first one to realize that watching people enjoy the holidays with their children is no fun, year after darn-fricken year.

This is one that i'll have to think about and research. It probably requires advance planning. I really think getting away is a good option, since that sounds like fun to me.

Aye, but who has the time to figure this out? I've got work to do. The last time i tried to figure out a trip, i spent 4 hours clicking between orbitz and travelocity. And in the end, i was more confused than when i started.

Nyeh.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Hope is Gone, But I Still Believe

I no longer pine and hope for children. Pining is the worst. It's empty and frustrating and painful. So, thank God that self-beating is over. You think you're doing yourself a favor, fantasizing about what could be, buying cute baby things for the future, hoping you're pregnant this month, thinking about all the things you're going to do now, the real wonderful life you're going to start living. And at the end, you have nothing but emptiness, empty arms, empty womb, empty heart.

It's like eating. You think, when you start on that chocolate cake, that this is really going to be a satisfying experience. Ten minutes later, when you've finished off the cake (most likely to fill the vaccuous emptyness), you feel too fat, sleepy, and nauseous.

So, i no longer polish off cakes or anything else in sight. And i no longer pine for what cannot be.

I know what you're thinking. How can you say that! ... Easier said than done! ... You dont know what you're talking about. ... We're talking real PAIN here, nothing you can just stop "pining" for. True enough. It is really pain, the likes of which, when you're in it, you think there's never going to be an out or an end. An abysmal pain. There's never going to be relief, by definition of the situation. I want kids + I cant have them = permanent eternal heart stopping pain. Well, yes, that's true. But then you find that your heart keeps beating nonetheless. And if you allow yourself to feel the pain, the anger, and the anguish, you find that your heart keeps beating through it all. Until there's nothing left of the pain, anger, and anguish--nothing but your beating heart.

Friday, October 21, 2005

What Do You Stand For?

I spent the whole day in a time management training seminar. Actually, it's a pilot program we started at work, with me being a member of the team selected to determine whether this thing called "time management" actually works and should be implemented department wide.

I've been doing this training now for 4 weeks. It started with an all day seminar a month ago, followed up by weekly conference calls with our coach. For me, i took this program seriously because i seriously want to get on top of my work. I have a huge pile of work that's overdue or behind which i inherited from the previous holder of my position.

Be that as it may, i still think i should be on top of my pile. Queen of my mountain. That's the goal anyway. But i've been struggling these past weeks. For every letter i write, i find two new overdue ones. I feel like Lucy on the assembly line of chocolates. Hmmm, i wonder if eating them would work. Mmmmm, chocolate.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I decided to call the coach and tell him I’m having trouble with the program. One of our assignments was “to accomplish something that we wouldn’t normally do, but would be a great benefit and relief if we did.” So I told him, I know exactly what I want to do (get this pile of paperwork off my desk) but I haven’t been able to do it in weeks and I don’t know how to get myself to do it despite promises I made to myself and teammates. I just cant do it. I just stare it.

He asked whether there was something I resented about the work. I said no. I really like my job. I don’t have any gripes with my employer, boss, or coworkers. Then he clarified that he didn’t mean anger or anything, just unresolved upsets.

Wellllll, if you must know, it was incredibly unfair to be saddled with someone else’s backlog of overdue work. AND I was told that I would only have to do half of it. Instead, I got the whole caseload. Why? Oooops, sorry, things happen.

Hehe. I guess I had little resentment ;)

But despite that, I was determined to conquer my mountain. I knew that I was getting more work than what was promised, but I decided that “I could do it.”

But then the coach asked “are you willing to let go of your resentment?” I said yes, because I really want to be successful in my job, irrespective of the circumstances within which I inherited it. Then the coach said that so long as I don’t work on the mountain, I am not really letting go of my resentment and I’m not really committed to my success in conquering it.

Okay, so I sat on that for a while. That week, I still didn’t get ahead of the game. But the next week, I just decided that it’s not that I “should” do this pile of work, it’s that I “want” to. I really want success. That’s so much more positive than thinking in terms of “I shouldn’t be so behind.”

Anyway, I got twice as much work done. Amazing. And it was an amazing realization.

So then, today we had another all day conference with the coach. He comes in and divides us into two teams. Each team has to come up with an aircraft that has speed, distance, and stability in 15 minutes. Oh, well, my mind totally blanked out because I never made a paper airplane before and I had to rely on the experience of others to design this. I don’t know why I did that. There were others on the team who didn’t know how to make a paper plane either. But I just, basically, mentally ejected myself from the team because of what I thought of myself.

All we had to use for building of the plane was one gigantic piece of paper and a huge long piece of tape.

But anyway, we came up with something. The good old basic paper airplane. No frills or anything. We flew it across the conference room and it went pretty far before landing. The other teams did pretty much the same as us but different design. They had launching issues, and I don’t think theirs went as far as ours ;)

But that’s not the point. At the end of this competition, coach sent his own aircraft across the room, that was faster and went further. But his was in the shape of a ball. It was a wad of paper taped down into a ball.

The point was that he said “aircraft” not “airplane.” We all assumed airplane, based on our perceptions and preconceived ideas of how to make an aircraft out of paper. Actually, it’s based on what we learned as kids. That’s what we all reverted to. And in my case, I regressed even further than that and into I cant possibly have anything of value to contribute especially given that I know nothing (but that’s a discussion for another day ;)

After that, coach had us list all the things we cant stand about our work. We listed everything under sun, including missing the train, windowless offices, and temperature control. For me, the biggest thing I cant stand about work is being behind. I just cant stand that.

Why? I suddenly realized that I cant stand being left behind because I was left behind a few too many times as a kid. And I just cant stand that. And then I saw that that had nothing to do with the pile of work on my desk. It’s just a pile of work. And truth be told, everyone in my department is just as behind as I am, and that’s of their own doing (they didn’t inherit a backlog). But, I’ve attached this negative emotion to my work that’s been blocking me from achieving it. Why, you ask? Because I’m not “over” the first time I was left behind. And when I see signs of it crop up in my present day, my knee jerk reaction is frustration, avoidance, denial.

But, you might say, I would be “getting over it” if I just attacked the pile. Yes, but not if I’m stuck in the emotion of the injustice of it. If you feel that the mess you’re in is someone else’s responsibility, it’s natural to think that someone else should clean it up (or apologize at least!). So you wait. And wait, and wait, and wait for someone to notice you’ve been left behind and that you’ve been waiting and that you’d like an apology or some reparation for the injustice of it all before you can put it past you in your heart.

But most of the time, we’re not given that luxury. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone apologized for their assineness?

Ok, so I cant stand being behind because of a childhood trauma. And what have I done about it? I’ve stood around and thought, this shouldn’t be this way. This is wrong! This is an outrage! I should be ahead or I should be on top of my work. But that’s a complaint. And no one is motivated by complaints. They’re disempowering. And I’ve been disempowering myself all this time.

So after we listed all the things we couldn’t stand, we listed all the things we stand for. I stand for doing well. I stand for success. Really? Is that then what you’ve been doing? Do you really stand for that? You cant want success AND keep complaining about the process. Bingo.

If you really want to do well, the only way to show commitment to it is to give up your complaint. But you have to be ready to give it up because sometimes we can get addicted to the emotional drama of feeling victimized all over again. You have to be willing to give that up. If you’re not, that’s ok. Deal with the hurt, work your way through it until you can give it up. That’s, I think, what forgiveness is about (but don’t ask me, I know nothing on the matter, except that Oprah said recently that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past would be different.)

Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on and on about this, but I just had to write it down because I didn’t want to forget the lessons I learned today. Coach said that once you begin to commit to what you stand for, you start to empower yourself.

I want to be successful, and I want that to be because of a job well done. And I want that more than I want an apology for past wrongs.

Jude

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Graduation Inspiration

Dh forwarded this to me. It will either inspire you or make you cry, then inspire you. For me, it did the latter.

Subject: Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Address

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005, at Stanford.

"I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife.

Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?"

They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college. And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 50 deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example: Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again,you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky ¯ I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents' garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation- the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired.

How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me ¯ I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife.

Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did.

You've got to find what you love. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything ¯ all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked.

There is no reason not to follow your heart. About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor.

I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now. This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid1970s, and I was your age.

On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's Official ... Little Cat Infertile Now!

We took Sweet Pea in to be spayed ;( Poor thing. She's been acting up, meowing up a storm and crawling up the walls. She started this thing where she'd roll on her back, over and over and over again, like a demon possessed with an itch that wont go away.

So i made an appointment for yesterday. The night before, as we were driving home from work, dh was like "you know, this surgery will prevent ovarian and uterine cancer." Really? I knew it was healthier for her in the long run, but i had no idea that dh studied the matter.

Dh took her in yesterday. He reports that in the 2 minute drive to the vet from our house she let out a long heartbreaking meow the likes of which he'd never heard before. After that, he worried whether she'd make it through the anestesia or whether that meow would be the last thing he'll have to remember her by.

I'm glad to say that she made it through the surgery, but boy was she bleary-eyed and completely tuckered out. Poor baby. She could barely move. On top of that, my other cat started hissing at her. Hissing! Mishmish didnt even do that when i first brought her home as a kitty. He doesnt even meow. He's a silent kitty. Anyway, he got a good finger wag and a "bad cat" for that. It kinda upset Sweet Pea. She barely made her way up the stairs to conk out on my bed. Poor baby.

She seems skinnier and bonier now after the surgery, like they really took a lot out of her. I thought ovaries would be tiny, but it's like they took her whole belly. And then the stitches, Good Lord, my baby has stitches. That was heartbreaking. We stole her fertility from her and she has stitches to prove it.

Poor baby.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Uncle Shaker

My uncle died yesterday. Living far away, our side of the family just found out today. He was in his late 50s.

He was a kind uncle. I stayed with him as a kid when we visited my grandmother. I wasnt his first neice. In fact, i had 7 other neices to compete with. But for some reason, he liked me and my little girly ways charmed him, a father of three boys at the time. He was a gentle giant. He worked in construction and was buff and brawny. Strong. I always remembered him as an amazingly strong, muscular man, with huge biceps and the most beautiful coppery tan i've ever seen. He spent so many days working in the sun, the tan on his forearms was permanent. An awesome tan.

We werent close as adults. He was laid off in his 40s, and he retired early. He spent his retirement smoking and eating. I saw a wedding video with him in it recently. I couldnt believe he was the same uncle or that him and my father were related. They looked nothing alike.

I hope he had a good retirement. He earned it. I pray that God welcomes him into paradise and shows him a kindness, gentleness, and mercy, as he had on me, when i came to stay with him many eons ago.

God bless you, Uncle Shaker, and have mercy on you. I wish we could have been closer in our adult years, but thank you for the unblemished memories of my youth.

Jude

Monday, October 17, 2005

What a Drag!

My day is totally draaaaaaaaagging. Man! I cant get myself into anything. I'm here at work, but just not here. I blame this on my TERRIBLE yesterday. And it could have something to do with being Monday. Apparently, i have a problem with those too.

Oh well. I need to just learn that mondays are usually total drags. I mean, who comes in totally psyched about waking up early and going into work after a two hour commute?

I'd be psyched though, if i got to wake up at my leisure, start my work at my leisure, and do leisure activities for work :)

Until then, Mondays are draggers.

Jude


Blog counter - free blog (homepage / website) visitor hit tracking and statistical system

www.seo-blog.org blogcounter javascript

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Terrible Day

Today was terrible. TERRIBLE! I baked, and overbaked. I pushed myself way too much, and now i dont feel good. I feel fatigued and exhausted. Add to that the fact that i'm suffering from a touch of infertility today. Plus, after all that work, i attend a large family dinner, complete with a pregnancy announcment. Well, yippee kay yay. Why dont we just have a party now? I can bake.

I'm just feeling snarky. I get that way when my day doesnt quite go as planned.

Have a mentioned a leeeeeeeeeeettle problemo with disappointment?

Jude


Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Long Empty Road

We drove out to the boonies tonight for a dinner invitation from a friend who lives there. Apparently, the boonies is a good place to place a state university. And she, believing that a formal education might benefit her (HA HA), attends the aforementioned university in boonville.

It was an hour and a half through farmland to get there. On the ride back, during the evening, there was nothing but an unlit empty road and a dark horizon. Nothing but the sky, really. The moon was out, unfortunately, putting out all the stars. It was a beautiful moon in the twilight sky, but i was impatient for the stars. As a city girl, it's been eons since i've seen the milky way--not since i was young, on family vacations to the countryside.

Back then, I would sit out at night and just stare at the sky for hours--a beautiful sky of countless stars. After many such nights, i contemplated becoming an astronaut. And as i would look into the heavens, i would imagine a bright future. It would inspire me about life and all it had to offer.

And tonight, looking up at the sky, i could not see an endless sea of stars, the glow of the full moon making it impossible to perceive anything less than it, commanding the attention of anyone who would look up. But i wanted to see the stars again.

Driving today reminded me of all the hopes and dreams i once had for the future, and the sad realization that the future is now here but my hopes and dreams are not with it.

Jude

Friday, October 14, 2005

Going With the Flo

My period came and went and i never said anything. Too much was going on at the time. I was busy receiving guests, cleaning my house. And, i think that after my initial reaction to getting it, it really doesnt bother me.

What bothers me more, i think, is ovulation and signs of ovulation. And here we go again. It would seem that i'm ovulating. I'm just so used to trying to make something of that opportunity. Right now, i dont feel like doing anything. But i still feel frustrated for not trying. Like, we're missing an opportunity. I'm so used to just trying. It's what i do. When something doesnt work out, i dont give up. I just try harder.

I dont know how to give up. I dont know how to let go.

Jude

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Do You Grieve?

A friend asked me this question the other day, "Do you grieve?"

Umm, well, you see, here's the thing, in the past, i dealt with all my grievances and losses by hoping for the best future.

Here's the thing about not having children ... it's been my grieving mechanism.

The way in which we naturally grieve is to cry. I once read a story about a man who couldn't shed a tear at his daughter's funeral or he'd lose his sight. His natural grieving mechanisms was taken away from him by some medical condition. And in an analogous situation, so have mine. I cannot grieve in the manner i've been accostumed to, with hope for a bright future with my children. That's the tragedy. The hope i would normally find in any disappointing situation is gone.

I dont know what to hope for anymore. I dont know what i want.

Jude

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Quotes to grieve by

"Time does not heal, but healing does take time."
Deborah Morris Coryell, in Healing Through the Shadow of Loss.

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Tibetan Proverb

"Death is not putting out the light. It's extinguishing the lamp because the dawn has come."
Rabindranath Tagore

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Axe Murderer Next Me

So i missed my train today. Actually, i was standing right outside of it and the doors were closed. They JUST closed them. Isnt that terrible? I made it just in time to miss the train by 5 seconds. FIVE SECONDS! I felt terrible. Like, God, i'm a terrible person for missing my train. Why do i always miss it. Well, not always, but often enough. Well not too often, but once in a while is too many. Why? Why does that bother me and unsettle me so?

Ok, so, i thought to myself, i can still have a good day despite this. I'm just going to pray for one anyway. And what i'm really meant to learn from this is how to deal with my own disappointment. I hate being disappointed. (Notice any patterns here?). I just hate failing at what i set out to do. I set out to catch a train, and i didnt catch the one i wanted. But i still caught one that would still bring me into work by 8:30. So why all this anxiety?

I dont know. Anxiety is my friend. I've used it to keep me from failing. But now it's not working so well anymore.

Ok, but i'm not done with my story. So, i get on the 7:05 train convinced that i was meant to miss the 6:48 train and that something better awaited me. And at least 7:05 train has fewer passengers. If i sit in the last cart, i can get the whole seat to myself.

So, as usual, i closed my eyes, just to rest them a bit ... i've been up since 5 am and i went to bed at 11pm. A few stops into the ride, someone sits next to me. Hmmm, a little odd, but, it happens. I flicker open my eyes a bit. It's man, in a baseball cap and a red checkered, lumberjack kinda jacket. I move my purse from between so that nothing is connecting us. Oh, but there is. An awful, terrible smell. I couldnt fall back asleep, so distracted was i by this very strong odor emanating from right next to me. I prayed for him and then me. God save us from noxious odors.

Ok, so beyond all that, i really tried to think of a field of flowers and fall asleep. It was A LONG train ride, made worse by a train delay. But in the end, when we finally arrived at the train station, i opened my eyes and realized that there were PLENTY of empty seats in our train cart. Why didn't the guy pick one of those? Is it weird or what? Why would a guy, any person really, crowd another person by sitting next to them with his foul fumes instead of sitting alone?

Good God, he must be an axe murderer. Why was he dressed like one and weirding me out? That's the only explanation i could come up with. I wanted to catch a cab, but i was outta cash. I kept looking around me to make sure he wasnt following me. I dont think he was. I called dh to let him know that the lumberjack murderer was after me. Word to the wives out there, never do that to your dh, unless you want to make your husband feel powerless.

Quickly realizing my mistake, i told him i'd call him when i got to work. I put 911 on speed dial and started to walk real fast.

I got to work all right. Lesson learned in all this ... well, it's certainly not that i have an overactive imagination spurned on by disappointment and a subconscious need to teach myself a lesson about missing trains! Noooooo, it's ... Next time, Crazy Man Whose Odors Could Kill, Dont sit next to me!

jw

Monday, October 10, 2005

Some Call It a Migraine, I say it's a Monstrous Headache

Migraines. I've had headaches all my life, and now i've come to discover that they were migraines all along. What's the difference? One's a headache, one's a really bad headache. They're both headaches.

Anyway, i had a doozy of a headache all day Sunday. I have no idea where it came from, honestly. But, i could not bend down or move. I laid like a lazy cat the whole day watching tv and went to bed at 8:30 pm, after some headache medicine. I'm better today, i can move, but i cant do anything sudden.

Okay, well, here's the scary part. Some say that migraines can cause TIAs or mini-strokes. No more of those please God.

Jude

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Edge of Reason

As a fan of Pride and Prejudice, it's my job, nay my duty to humanity, to watch all the remakes, satires, and spoofs of it. I'm not sure which category Bridget Jones falls into, but off the top of my head i'd say it's a spoof, a not-so-funny-or-so-cute spoof.

Well, first off, Bridget is supposed to be pudgy. Fine. But does she have to be ugly too? Rene Zelweger is a pretty girl, as i recall from Jerry McGuire, and not because she was thin in that movie. But as Bridget Jones, her hair was always just a brush shy of being combed and she walked all weird. Why? Why does she have to have a ducky walk? It's NOT CUTE PEOPLE! And when are the Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrritish going to learn to role their r's? Who is Mahk Dahcy???? And the real Mr. Darcy would never fall in love with someone so uncute! And we all have it on gewd authority that Rene can be cute. So why did they de-cutify her for this movie? I wanna know!

There are some really cute pudgy people in the world, so i dont understand why they had to make fat so unappealing. I wasn't convinced that Mr. Darcy would find it appealing either. What, just because he says to her "I like all your wobbly bits in all circumstances." Eeeeewww. Thank you for that mental image in my mind's eye which can now only be blotted out with a mental letter opener.

Anyway, i never meant this as a rant against Bridget Jones. Why am i in a ranty mood? I was just merely going to politely query why is it called Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason? Is it because she comes to the very edge of her reason for dumping Mahk Dahcy and realizes that she had none to begin with? (That was a very well done scene, imho, by the way).

Hmmm, deep thoughts, i say. Who knew such a satire ... err spoof, could inspire any.

But while we're on this precipice let me survey my own. I have wanted children for the longest darndest time, ever since i was little. In fact, my children have helped me make a lot of life choices. For instance, when it came time to choose a graduate school, law school versus medical school, i thought, law school, OF COURSE, because it's only 3 years and medical school is 4 and that saves me one more year to be with my kids.

And now in retrospect, i really had no reason to choose law school over medical school, i had no reason to rush through high school and college, let alone suffer through a costly and boring mis-education in law school.

I thought i was saving a whole year. I really rather preferred medical school. I always preferred the sciences. Only high school corrupted me into thinking about saving the world through law as well as medicine, peace and good health. Ha! Fat lot of saving i did. Cant even save my sorry self.

So ladies and gentleman, the moral of the story is that when one is standing on the edge of reason, you may very well find that you have none, not even a precipice.

Jude

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Good Life?

What is the good life? I've always believed that the ungood life aint worth livin. I know, you're thinkin i shoulda been philosopher. Move over So-crates. But wait, it gets better. And the goodest life, so to speak, is being a good mother. So the good life is the good mother.

And now, by my own definition, i'm living the ungood life. Either my definition has to change or juvenile view of the good life has to change. Well, it's not juvenile, just innocent. Too innocent. How did i ever make through law school? ... barely as i recall, just barely.

Oh but i deliciously digress, as i am ever wont to do. Back to the good life, or the lack thereof. Sometimes i would catch sports on tv, football, or more lately, baseball (just dont ask me who's playing.) And i think about the players ... you guys are just throwing a ball. That's what you do for a living. Granted, you make a boatload o' money, but still, you're just throwing a ball. And, what's good in that? How is that godly? I know, in retrospect, that seems so judgmental, ungodly in my own prejudice. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But worse yet is how i've horribly misjudged myself and what i have to offer. I cant bake or paint, crochet or waste time on a mosaic project. I need to do something good with my time.

Good golly, i'm so screwed up. But it just seems wrong not to be doing something "good" with my time. But who decides what's good? A seven year old girl who could see no good in her present circumstances so she fantasized about the good of her future. The best good the future could offer ... by not repeating history and being good to her own kids in their due turn.

But i'm not 7 anymore, and it's time i did a little good for me.

What does that entail? I do not even know what that means.

Jude

Friday, October 07, 2005

Getting Lost

I'm hooked on Lost. Have you seen it? What!? You gotta rent it! Good thing it's on dvd, cuz i totally missed it last year. But NOW, i'm all caught up.

So why am i hooked on Lost? Is it because i'm feeling a little lost, shipwrecked and alone, abandoned and marooned on infertility island? I see myself in everyone of those characters. And, so now, of course, i think the show is brilliant--well, if it takes after me, it's gotta be ;)

But seriously, the story is a microcasm of humanity. How will people stuck together by a common place (or planet) suddenly get along? Will they all get along? And what does it take for all of them to get along?

Faith. You cant survive on this island without faith. Interesting.

What's also interesting, from a writer's perspective, is that every single person is a hero. Every character is on a hero's journey. Now that's true to life. Afterall, arent we all?

That's why it deserves an emmy.

Jude

Thursday, October 06, 2005

First Trump, then Cruise, now Stuart?

All these guys are expecting a baby soon. When i first heard about Trump, i couldnt help but roll my eyes. (That was badly done of me.) Then Cruise, and i thought, why him? Or her (Katie)? She hasn't wanted it as long as me? I've wanted it longer than she's been alive.

(Now, that's ungracious.)

And today Rod Stuart, he's 60 you know, and this will be his 7th. And you know what i thought? Ah well, that's God's will for him. To everyone is God's will, including me. It just may not be what i expect to see. But will it be any less beautiful or awesome?

What do you believe?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

But I Don't Feel Like Leaving

I noticed something about myself during my short hiatus from work. I dont want to leave the house. I cant figure out why. I just want to stay home, despite a fervent wish to shop, a desperate taste for chocolate mousse cheesecake, or a need for basics like drinking water or tp.

I know i need whatever it is i'm forcing myself to leave for, but i really dont feel like leaving. I want to stay home where it's comfortable and cozy, quiet and nice. I dont feel like leaving out into the world. I dont feel like dressing and wearing something halfway presentable. I dont feel like washing my hair, let alone combing it. I dont feel like pressing pause on the 11th episode of Lost. And you know what, i really wasn't that thirsty. Hard water isn't so bad, if you try to think of something else while you're drinking it. And, do i really need another trip to Home Depot and Target? I dont need to hang curtains that badly. So what if the sun has faded my family room denim furniture?

I'm developing a fear of leaving the house. I'm also developing a fear of being in the house, someone breaking in. We got a new security system for that reason. Now i'm afraid that i'll forget to set it at night.

I'm really just afraid of another bad thing happening to me. I'm so shell-shocked and grief-stricken. I just dont want one more bad thing right now. Just no more changes, just until i stop crying or gasping.

Just until i catch my breath.

Jude



Blog counter - free blog (homepage / website) visitor hit tracking and statistical system

www.seo-blog.org blogcounter javascript

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Yellow Wallpaint

Today was better. I did a lot around the house and I feel good about that. I feel good about actually accomplishing something. I completed this roller shade project, which is amazing because i usually get bogged down in details like trying to find the PERFECT fabric. How i didnt obsess over that is a mystery. I only bought 3 fabrics to choose from :). My walls are a deep butter yellow, like a summer squash yellow. Eye roll, i know. I dont know what i was thinking when i picked it. I think i was hungry. So, by default, the colors i'm adding are a dark red and sage green. I found a fabric with all these colors in stripes. And i thought PERFECT. Then i hung it up and thought THREE RING CIRCUS. So i went back and found the same shades in huge box squares on sale for six bucks a yard, whereas it's more like $17 a yard. And i thought PERFECT. Then i hung it up and thought, PICNIC BASKET ON MY WALLS. So then i found another fabric, same colors, but more of a montage of shades interspersed with an occasional flower, and i thought PERFECT. Then i hung it up and thought WOW, IT REALLY IS. Now, i've ironed the fuse-a-shade part, drilled in the holes, and i'm just so thrilled that i didnt screw the thing in crooked. Phew!

Yay for craft projects done right--i wont go into all the ones that went wrong. Why ruin a good day :)

Jude


Blog counter - free blog (homepage / website) visitor hit tracking and statistical system

www.seo-blog.org blogcounter javascript

Monday, October 03, 2005

Monday is For Weeping

I took the day off today, and i cant believe i'm having another weepy monday. I wish i had some company, someone to hold my hand, someone to help me, someone to carry me through the day.

Not another weepy Monday. Things were supposed to be better now that i took the day off. I guess it doesnt matter whether i'm working or not. Tears do not discriminate.

Jude

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Crafting

This grief work is hard. I'm feeling better today, better enough to make a trip to Joann Fabrics and spend too much on craft projects. Did you know that scissors cost $15! And then i got me a staple gun. Wellllll, doesnt every household need one? That was another $15. Ok, i really got it because my cats have discovered the underside of my brand new couch, ripped open the seam, and have taken to napping in the belly of my couch (after scratching it up first). C'mon, now, i need a staple gun to fix that little problem now dont i?

Tomorrow, i'm taking the day off. In fact, i have the next three days off. I was feeling so much better today, i thought of canceling my r & r and going in instead. But, i decided in the end that, no, i should stick with my vacation. Today, all i managed to do was a load of laundry, a trip to joann fabrics, and 4 episodes of the first season of Lost. Actually, that gave me some ideas for vignettes that might prove plot worthy down the line.

But, aye, who can think of plots now? Right? It seems like 100 % escapism. I'm an expert at that. But fantasyland is what created this dilemma for me to begin with. I built a huge fantasy around what it meant to have children of my own. It was going to be the be-all and end-all of my life. That was it. I couldn't die until that happened. That was my ultimate mission, really--to be a good mother. I couldnt wait. I planned and prepared and studied and waited and tried and retried.

It's like i attached the importance of my existence to giving birth. And, on some level, i think,

Oh my God, i can never have children.

Jude

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Visitors

My family and friends came to visit, and i feel better. We talked of a mutual acquaintance who never had a children. She's been married longer than i have, probably 20 years at this point. I found that she could never have kids because she was incapable. And i thought, wow, that's so incredibly difficult to face, she can never EVER have children, ever, completely forgetting that this is what's happening to me.

It's very strange. It's like it's not real--that it's more real when it happens to someone else, more devastating, more final. And you know why? Because there's still a small part of me that thinks it's possible. There's still a part of me that believes.

I see this woman, and i think, God, it's over for her, and that must be terrible. But, it's over for me too, except I still can't believe it. I dont want to believe it.

Jude


 
Seo Blog - free, no ads homepage hosting! Start your website today! Publishing and journaling with ease!