Important Meeting

Tomorrow i have a very important meeting in Florida with Mickey, and i'm so excited!!! And nervous. I'm nervous about confessing to my excitement like i'll curse it if i own up to it--as if i have power over what happens anyway.

But there it is. I have a problem, as you might well imagine, with happiness and feeling excited, given that i've "seen" so little of it. Well, in all fairness, i dont necessarily believe that i've had little of it, it's just that i dont allow myself to feel it. Why? Well, my parents arent very excited people, and they dont appreciate seeing it in others. They have a knee-jerk reaction to kill happiness. And we've have many such episodes in our household, continuing until now. My parents just cant stand happiness. It's gotten to the point where i dont need them around to discourage it. No, i've mastered that trick all on my own now. I just carry their voice of disapproval around with me wherever i go.

So now, when it's time to feel a little excitement, i have my very own knee-jerk reaction to be cautious and wary. Shhhhh. Dont tell anyone. Wait until you come back, and then tell them all about it.

What a weirdo. I'm excited, People. SO excited. And again, i say it with trepidation like the hands of fate will frown down upon my utterance and snatch it away from me in retribution for mentioning the taboo feeling.

But no, the hands of fate do not, as a matter of course, snatch away happiness simply because someone dared to be happy. Only my parents do, and i need not impute any cosmic relevance to what my parents have trained me to believe.

You're It

I'm feeling a little a better today. It might have something to do with the yoga class i had yesterday, that or the 3 brownies i had afterwards ;) ... Well, one of our coworkers was leaving and there was this party and the assistant insisted, demanded, i take a lot because there was so much left over. So, what's a good friend to do, but comply?

And, i've been tagged. I'm supposed to list 5 weird things about myself. I prefer to call them "cute." :)

Here are the rules: “The first player of this game starts with the topic “five weird habits of yourself, and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Dont forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.”

1. I love to have brownies and coffee for breakfast. It's either that, or no breakfast at all. I'm an all-or-none kinda gal. I should probably list that as a separate weird thing.

2. I love to eat cilantro chutney like cold soup. LOVE. IT.

3. Whenever reruns of the movie Tremors comes on cable, i become glued to my seat and get sucked in like it's the best movie in the world. Dh has the same problem.

4. I love to read cookbooks, like they were novels. I'm not talking browsing, like a magazine. No, I find them riveting.

5. I love disneyworld. I would work there if i could. It's a real problem. I'm going there this weekend to see if i can cure myself of this sickness :)

The following people are now it ... Coloratura , Pamplemousse, Donna, Thalia, and Georgia ... just as soon as i tag them, which i will do just as soon as i click over there and leave them a note.

A Date Deferred

The doctor called and said he had to change the date of our appointment. The day we find out whether we will be permitted back onto the ivf rollercoaster is now February 8. I'm so bummed about this. January 27 was too far away.

I need to get out of my office and go do some browsing (aka shopping). I'm really disappointed. I feel like i've been holding my breath and i've just been asked to hold it a whole lot longer.

I'm tired. You think anyone would notice if i took a nap under my desk?

I cant wait until this day over.

Yoga

So i signed up for yoga. Yay! It was very interesting. The first class i found myself competing for my "teacher's" attention. It was a little third grade of me and very strange. But all of the sudden i just wanted to do every pose PERFECTLY, just like the instructor. And i realized that i must have done this a lot in my childhood. And i stopped myself because it's just way too much pressure. I want to do it how i do it. Whatever that is, perfect or not, is so much better than stressing to do well for the added bonus of getting the teacher's appreciation and validation. I came here to relax, not stress out!

My goodness. So that was interesting--doing something without the pressue of trying to get an "A" while i'm at it. It's very weird and i'm not used to that. I'm so practiced in going for the A that i've lost what it means to go for the heart, or go for the fun.

But anyway, i'm relearning it now, so it's all good.

And then the yoga instructor has you focus on different parts of your body. And for the first time in my life, i said "Hello Liver, Hello Heart, Hello Intestines."

Interesting. In the end, I feel good about going and good when i'm done. I dont know if it's the yoga or it's just me feeling good about doing something for myself. That's quite a new phenomena. In the past, taking care of myself constituted allowing myself to eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted, especially brownies for breakfast.

I still think brownies for breakfast is okay, especially if they're home made and have none of that hydrogenated nasties ;) But i dont really really want one every single day. Sometimes, i dont want ... anything (gasp!). I know! How could you say no to brownies?

But it's true. Besides that, there's only so much you can eat and the ceiling of good feeling you get out of eating is pretty low, especially when you walk around feeling stuffed. That's the worst.

Anyway, so i want to keep a journal of how many times i go and how many times i exercise, so i can keep track of my goal/resolution to exercise and lose weight. I got these 10 minute workout tapes. Dont tell me they dont work! That's the first thing i think when i think 10 minute workouts. But heck, i feel 10 minutes is still way better than ZERO! So i have pilates for 10, yoga for 10, cardio for 10, kickboxing for 10. There's a whole bunch. I can add or switch around and make my work out as long as i want. Then i got this other workout video called, um, errr, ehhhh, Bellydancing. Dont laugh! It's fun ;) And this way, my workout is multifunctional--workout now, do a little show for dh laytaaaa ...

ok, that's the report on this end. Next week, we got some travel plans. I have winter blues which is compounded by the fact that i work in an office with no windows. That's right. Just 4 grey walls and a door. So right about now, i'm itching for a little sun.

Besides, what else is a girl to do while she waits for January 27 to roll around?

One Day I'll Fly Away

I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin

To live again?

One day I'll fly away

Leave all this to yesterday

What more could your Love do for me?

When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?

And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away

Leave all this to yesterday

Why live life from dream to dream?

And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away

Fly, fly away

One Day I'll Fly Away, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Butterfly

I’m feeling bad today. Well, not that bad, just a general low--like a low grade fever, not the full blown flu. It’s not even bad enough to mention. Except it is, because it’s been lingering for days now, and i don’t know how to shake it off. I’m so out of sorts but i don’t know why or what’s bothering me. But there it is.

And so it is. It feels good to at least say that I’m bothered. I spent the day yesterday with a friend. It was actually very pleasant. So nice to get out and get to talk to people. I miss that--talking to people who sound interested in what i’m saying. I've been too busy for that.

Beyond that, I’m not sure. I cant say that this is a funk per se. Or maybe i’m just managing my funk better. I cleaned the house, and i could never do that during a funk before. In fact, I’m amazed at how much better i feel about having a clean house. Don’t get me wrong, i’ve had a clean house before ;) But now i can actually feel the joy in having a clean house.

Here’s the thing. I think that we’re going to have this procedure done at the end of the month (January 27) and we’re going to find out that there is hope (or not) but then we’ll move onto to the ivf rollercoaster and spin around on it for a decade or until we puke our guts out, whichever comes first.

But it’s like what everyone else has been talking about lately ... how do you get over this desire, feeling, want, (obsession, if you will) to conceive?

I guess that’s the matter for me. It’s like an obsession. An addiction. It’s so much easier to think about this very happy safe topic. I’ve found so much joy and comfort in it over the years. And, i kind of miss it. I’ve been lonely. I haven’t replaced it yet.

And i have the perfect replacement for it … my novel (YAAAAAAAAAWN). But it’s true. It’s the perfect channel for the same creative energies i’ve been dreaming of pouring into childbearing and rearing.

But i’m scared. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. I just am. The creative process can be so intense and so dull, so exciting and so boring, so exhilarating and so scary, so satisfying and so depressing. I find the negative side to the creative process difficult to manage--scary. Why? I don’t know. But i just do. And so it’s soooo much easier to fantasize about babymaking because for all its ups and downs, i’m still in “control” --or so my dumbass, conscious self deigns to believe. At least, i’m in control of how and when i get disappointed. It’s precisely once a month, the same time every month, and in the same manner. It’s so much easier to face that kind of disappointment, then the daunting disappointment of REJECTION, as in “Thank you for your submission, but your manuscript SUCKS.” Ok, they don’t actually say that, but i know what they mean, i can read between the lines.

And well, you see, i have an issue with rejection. I really cant stand it. Really, really cant. It does go back to my childhood somehow (YAAAAAAAAAWN).

Oh, and then there’s the off chance that I might actually get what i want. Then i’d really be screwed. I don’t know what that’s like. I’d have no idea how to take that. In fact that’s scarier. I think i’ll dissipate into air and float away. I will be lost. The struggle to get what i cant have has contained me for so long. It’s like i need that container to survive. And so, on some level, i keep myself in it, safe within my walls where i understand the rules and the expectations and i control the disappointment. Happiness? Who needs that when i’ve got my fingers on disappointment.

Ever notice how often we just settle for no pain rather than take a chance on happiness?

And now i'm conscious of the fact that i'm about to emerge from my container but i'm fighting it. I dont know how to be without that which has defined me for so long. Right now, it's very uncomfortable and awkward. I want to go huddle in a corner--but i cant do that or i will end up recreating the same obstacles for myself that keep me in a constant feedback loop of disappointment--safe and unhappy.

Upon exiting my cocoon, i find myself teetering on the edge of a cliff, wobbling with the infirmity of unused limbs. And my first reaction is that i will need help and be rejected.

But i wont be rejected because there's no one around this time to do the rejecting. Instead, i find that this time when i fall, all i need to do is to remember not to curl up into a ball but to remember to spread my wings.

Cry Baby

I am so emotional tonight. Yeeesh! I'm just watching the Biggest Loser and i'm crying like a baby. What's goin on? People successfully losing weight is so, sniff, sniff ... beautiful. Isn't it though? And then the son comes home from war to the loving family that's been missing him. Heartbreaking.

Yes, yes, but is it really heartwrenchingly tear jerking? Goodness. Maybe it's the sad sappy music they play during the narration. Or, it could be the fact that i always have a real good cry the day before my period. And it's on time too, i should just chalk it all up to pms.

But, it feels deeper. Something is bothering me, deeply, more deeply than i can consciously reach. But it shows up when i least suspect it (like when watching a show i've never seen before, especially since i usually watch Lost at this time). And sometimes, when nothing is going on at all emotionally, (i could be skipping down the hallway) i suddenly have a deep physical need to break down and cry, though nothing i know of triggered it. It's like something is there, like an itch, but you dont know where it is or how to reach it.

oh, oh, now they're crying on Biggest Loser. I need to run and get some tissue.

Then i'm gonna exercise.

Food is My Hobby

I'm a little unfocused today. Just a tad. First day back from a long long weekend and all. That and ... my new obsession with cookbooks. I love to read them. Love, love, love it. I never knew this about myself. But they're SOOOOOO interesting. The other day, i decided to make Chicken Tetrazzini, except i didnt know how. Thirty downloaded recipes later, i had a pretty good idea of which direction to go into. That's the other thing. I have to research everyone's opinion on the matter. Like, did you know, some people put cheddar cheese in it??? Yeah, well, i'm a chicken tetrazzini snob. Only parmesan cheese for me, thank you.

So i made mine with peas, mushrooms, 2 cans of cream of mushroom soup, spaghetti, parm cheese, and milk. Mmmmm ... Gewd. Then, I froze a bunch for later. Cuz that's my other new obsession, cooking and FREEZING.

I also made some of those spinach/feta/phyllo dough thingies. I flash froze those.

But i've moved onto a new recipe. In the next few days, I will be attempting Salmon Wellington. Ok, yes, i'm totally cheating and cutting corners here, but that's ok, i dont cheat often.

Ok, i'm hungry, can you tell? I get food cravings before my period and i gain 5 lbs that weigh and feel more like 30 lbs. I feel HUGE. Could it have anything to do with all the carbs i had for dinner this weekend? I dont think so, cuz that would mean i cheated on my diet (the "stop-pigging-out-when-you-see-food" diet), and i hardly ever cheat ;)

Ok, well, 2 hours before i call it quits. Yippee!!!

Resolutions

I have never made new year's resolutions. This year seems different. I have a few goals i'd like to set, and it just so happens to be the first of the year.

• I'd like to make a prayer/meditation room in my house. A place that's always clear and clean and ready for quiet reflection.

• I want to lose 15 lbs. That will require exercise. I dont know where i'd fit that into my schedule, considering that my commute is nearly 4 hours a day, giving me a 12 hour day. Add to that piano practice and writing.

• I want to get financially organized. I dont even know what that means. Dh is worse than i am. I'm the one with the math degree. I guess that means i should be able to figure it out.

• I want to get published. That means an agent in tow and a contract to a NY publishing house in hand. That means i have to finish the edits on my novel asap. That means, i need to cutback on sleep to fit it into my schedule.

• I want take better care of my body, not just my health. That means taking my vitamins, moisturizing my dry skin, waxing more regularly, doing something about my stiff shoulder (physical therapy), yoga and breathing exercises, and reading Relearning to See and doing its exercises. What else? It seems like i'm missing something. I'll come back and add to it, if i remember.